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11-13-2009, 01:09 AM | #1 |
Pa'l Mundo
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: ObamaNation
Posts: 2,460
Reputation: 33436 |
*sigh*
Ahhh my life never seems to quit me lol!
After so many years of living my life so numb, going out and messing with random dudes, partying, and playing games with people, I had taken the past few months to step back and examine myself. Its not easy, I had to face some terrible demons, and after doing that I felt even more empty. How can I live without something thats been apart of me for so long? I confronted the person within me that I didnt like, I looked up at the gigantic wall that hasnt allowed me to love for many years. Its tall, solid and locked, but the key is still in my possession. I know how lame that sounds, but its the wording I use to help me. I have gone through many excersises and have forgiven those who have hurt me. The next step is to forgive myself, which I cant do quite yet. Anyhow, I still go out (I love attention, what can I say). I havent messed with a guy since (I think) 2 months ago. I got so use to the "booty call" status I have that I dont even think of another option. Anyhow, I think I fell in love. I mean, I really dont know what love is, as I never was in love before, but I think this is it. I would give up the parties, the dudes, everything....if I had this guy at home. His smile, the way he talks to me, touches me, I think about him all the time...everything is different, music sounds better, the day is sunnier, everything in my life seems great when I think about him. But are you kidding, it cant be that easy! He's married. He just got married about a year ago. His demeanor has changed after the past few months he was married. He doesnt try to spit game like he use to and he talks to me so calmly like a normal person. The connection is so there and I cant ignore it. I know that he doesnt really want me, he doesnt flirt or anything (not anymore) but I cant deny what I feel for him. God I hate my life. Why must everything be so difficult? Last edited by ChiTownHoney; 11-13-2009 at 01:40 AM. |
11-13-2009, 03:10 AM | #2 |
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: USA
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“To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.†-Unknown
The Squid |
11-13-2009, 10:38 AM | #3 |
Yes = No. No = Yes
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The curse everyone goes through at some point. To love one who loves another.
*hugs*
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Stories I have written. The Red Rose Rapist short stories Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue, Sugar Is Sweet, The Rapist Is You!? The Kidnapping Chronicles The Hunter, Huntress, LK, The Masked Marauder, Melinda's Tale, and The Masked Marauder II - Allen's Revenge Other Stories At My Cousin's Wedding |
11-14-2009, 05:10 PM | #4 |
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Yes Chi, reality is always a tough pill to swallow! But if you take it with the right amount of self love its not all that bad. and damn easier too!
Keep that ideal guy in mind but trust me, you dont want the heart ache of a Married guy. Most just want some strange and wont commit to you ever..........trust me! Keep loving yourself and wait dear as you WILL find the right guy for you and.........dont give up as LOVE is Always worth the wait!
__________________
Tommy Loy, the cabin boy, The dirty little nipper, He filled his ass With broken glass And cirumcized the skipper! |
11-14-2009, 11:28 PM | #5 |
Pa'l Mundo
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: ObamaNation
Posts: 2,460
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Well, thanks, I know its a lose-lose. But it wouldnt be so hard if this didnt happen to me all the freakin' time. Let me tell you, this guy is seriously the man of my dreams, not only is he just sexiness on a stick and one of the finest guys I have ever seen in my entire life, and we had a connection from the first moment we met and everything about him is exactly what I need in my life. He didnt even tell me he was getting/got married. I had to hear it from somone else.
Oh...and another thing, my ex boyfriend has started dating someone...the very same girl he was sneaking around with when we broke up briefly for a few weeks and then got back together. And I know the bitch, she was an aquaintance of mine and a friend of a friend. And while I was with him this bitch smiled in my face and acted like my friend when she went out with him when we went on a break and she use to text him even when we were together and the bitch sends me to this day facebook messages (fucking facebook) asking me how I'm doing and that she "misses" me. I really dont care about that since me and him are ancient history, but why is HE so happy and I have such a run of bad luck. I'm a pretty girl. Why cant I have somebody I want. My two friends are having drama in which they cant decide between two guys who are confessing their love for them simultaneously, while I am in love with a guy who wont even waste a breath to acknowledge me sometimes. I'm having a bad time because you know what, the lonliness is setting in. I hate the fact that I never have anything to talk about cause' my life never changes and stays the same. My life is boring. Its boring me to tears. I bore myself to tears. Is anybody ever ok just with themselves? Is anybody ok with being alone forever? |
11-15-2009, 01:26 AM | #6 |
Kamina
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Deep In The African Jungles Of China
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It takes a lot of willpower andself love to be ok with being by yourself I think, along with stable support from family and friends. The only way you'll become ok with being alone (you won't be anyways, so don't worry about it) involves a lot of self loathing, and once you''ve decided you are going to be alone, nothing is going to pull you out of it, even this alleged "perfect person". Take it from me, a living, breathing example of someone that's given up on finding someone, that once that quest for love ends so does nearly everything else. Don't give up. Ever.
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"Go beyond the impossible and kick reason to the curb!" ~ Kamina, Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann "I've been thinking with my gut since I was 14, and I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains." ~ Rob Gordon, High Fidelity "All men are potential rapists. ALL MEN. Even the pope!" ~ Shirley Valentine "When you're pushed, killing's as easy as breathing." ~ John Rambo, Rambo IV "I don't think I'm easy to talk about. I've got a very irregular head. And I'm not anything that you think I am anyway." ~ Syd Barrett, Rolling Stone, December 1971 |
11-19-2009, 11:42 PM | #7 |
Pa'l Mundo
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: ObamaNation
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Thanks Dash, you always bring wisdom somehow although you claim to be so inexperienced
I just dont know if its possible for a well-adjusted, self-respecting individual to accept being alone without a companion. I think we need companionship in the form of a lover, no? This year has gone by so fast and I dont know where I'm going. I just feel like I am flying blind. You come back ten years from now and tell me that you have given up hope. I doubt you will feel the same. I think I am jinked. I think I only had one shot at love, but it wasnt what I thought it was. I have been talking to my ex (we are going to the Aventura concert soon, I'm excited to see Romeo<-------), I think he loves me so much but I'm just not in love with him. I think that there is somebody better suited for me...but I dont know if I'll find him, so maybe I just go back with my ex and marry him. Its about time I got married and he's a good man, thats for sure. I'm 28 already, and I'm not going to wait forever. I refuse to end up like those bitter, pathetic 30' somethings on iVillage who do nothing but complain about not having a man and being on a high horse and judging people who participate in three-ways and fool around with married men. Last edited by ChiTownHoney; 11-19-2009 at 11:51 PM. |
11-20-2009, 04:09 AM | #8 | ||
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Quote:
and dont worry the person thats better suited for you, you will find. Quote:
sorry if it sounds all blah ive only slept for 3 hours.. |
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11-22-2009, 11:48 PM | #9 | |
Pa'l Mundo
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: ObamaNation
Posts: 2,460
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Quote:
LOL, same with me...January 1st! Honestly though....I dont know...people start getting married around the age 25-29 but to people they have known for a long time...so I pretty much missed that boat. Its just kinda hard to have to accept...I went to a party tonight and not one freakin' guy hit on me. I hate to sound arrogant, but come on..thats the first time that happened. Also, this dude was talking to me and his girlfriend flew up right away and put her arms around him...its like, well excuse me! I mean, shit, I'm not ready for a relationship but when I had spells of singleness, I was always getting asked out. I havent been asked out for a few months now by anybody! Its starting to get to me. Its not that I dont look hot anymore...I actually look my best right now. But why is it that its happened like this? And why do I want the guys who dont want me? the thing is...look, I've never really known for sure that I was in love, so I did something really pathedic and looked online for definitions and whatnot and what you are suppose to feel when you are in love. I guess its different than what I thought it was suppose to be. They say that you know you are in love when you are able to be completely yourself around the other person, they are your best friend, and you want to make that person happy. But thats what I had with my ex! So maybe we did have something. But it wasnt right. I hated being with him, and sex..eww..it was so gross, even to this day it makes me sick the thought of being intimate with him. But maybe thats what it is...I mean, you cant be into sex all the time and they say that the love goes away and you get bored of them. So I dont know. Maybe I'm expecting too much and looking for something thats just not there?? Last edited by ChiTownHoney; 11-22-2009 at 11:51 PM. |
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11-23-2009, 03:06 AM | #10 |
Kamina
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Deep In The African Jungles Of China
Posts: 2,733
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Chi, you have to keep in mind that there are various levels of love. Sure, you cared about this fellow, even loved him, but its not love like you're looking for. There are miles of difference between love like a friend and passionate love, and many other kinds inbetween. You're obviously looking for passionate love (hell, we all are) but...I don't know. I'm obviously not one to give out advice about this area of the pool, so to speak, but I'd say you're not doing something right...I can't put my finger on it though. Perhaps you don't give men lacking one or two attributes you desire the right chance to prove that they are more than capable in other ways? Maybe your sandards are too high? I think maybe you're just subconciously scared of commitment after your previous relationship so you always find something wrong with men, like "Oh, well I'd totally comit to this guy, but hes married. Oh well." and finding other excuses so you feel like you're emotionally healthy, but in reality you're scared and want nothing to do with it. The lack of attraction to you over recent days and your reaction seems to support this sort of, but...eh. Like I said, I don't know shit about you crazy women so don't bother listening to me.
__________________
"Go beyond the impossible and kick reason to the curb!" ~ Kamina, Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann "I've been thinking with my gut since I was 14, and I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains." ~ Rob Gordon, High Fidelity "All men are potential rapists. ALL MEN. Even the pope!" ~ Shirley Valentine "When you're pushed, killing's as easy as breathing." ~ John Rambo, Rambo IV "I don't think I'm easy to talk about. I've got a very irregular head. And I'm not anything that you think I am anyway." ~ Syd Barrett, Rolling Stone, December 1971 |
11-23-2009, 10:04 AM | #11 | |
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Quote:
im not your ex hehe oh i hate people like that at parties, i havent gone to one in a good while i just tend to practice guitar and write crap now instead lol and try to brush up in my cooking classes to become a chef.. although you want the guys who dont want you is kinda like that for me anoyone i tend to like is taken or just a horrible inner person or just dont want me at all.. i would love to be in a relationship probably sounds stupid but i got so much love to give, if i could choose anyone to even try to date it be lillinzi she just seems really cool and interesting.. but shhh dont say anything.. but like i said i just seem to pick the wrong people shed have a boyfriend or just wouldnt like someone like me lol.. maybe hating when you were with him and sex being ewww was a sign it wasnt meant to be but i when i was inlove well what i think was in love was were i would do anything at all for her but she just didnt seem to care.. then when she dumped me my heart was pretty much torn in half.. i havent been asked out in a while by a girl but im staright i got 2 guys come on to me.. dont expect much, stuff happens when you least expect it too. theres no real explianation for 'in love' only you will know that when it happens. everyones term for in love is always different. |
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11-24-2009, 02:10 AM | #12 | |
Pa'l Mundo
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: ObamaNation
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Quote:
Hey Dash, when someone tells me that my standards are too high, thats pretty much telling me I'm ugly. No joke. *edit* irrelevant clutter Anyhow...I feel like I relied on unimportant stuff to get guys. I am so sick of having my heart broken and playing around and being played with. Even after having my heart broken time and time again..I still am hopeful that someone will come to me, but who knows if it will happen. It seems almost hopeless. I had all of my hair extensions taken out and looked in the mirror at my natural self. Maybe thats a reason I dont get so much attention anymore. Maybe I'm just dont look good anymore...when do your looks fade? I thought around 40ish you dont look as good anymore..maybe it starts earlier than that. Do we really need intimacy? What if we dont have it and live our lives alone, what then? The thing is that this guy (married guy) still has the nerve to come up and talk to me like he knows me. I completely ignored him the other day. I was on the phone and pretending I didnt hear him talking to me till he was in my face and I smiled at him and continued talking on the phone. How rude huh? Well, who the fuck does he think he is? I'm so sick of him, I wouldnt mind it if he rolled under a bus. I actually would be happy for his pobr wife who wouldnt have to deal with his player ass anymore. All I look for in a guy is that he's attractive to me, taller than me and kinda stocky, dresses well, has a job and a place of his own. Oh, and a car...nobody I date ever seems to drive. What is so "high standardish" about that? Last edited by ChiTownHoney; 11-24-2009 at 03:10 AM. |
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11-24-2009, 02:19 AM | #13 | |
Pa'l Mundo
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: ObamaNation
Posts: 2,460
Reputation: 33436 |
Quote:
Are you a guy? If so YOU are suppose to ask out girls, silly. You sound really young too. Ideally, everyone wants a relationship, who wants to spend their lives alone? I mean, I read someone that humans need intimacy...if we dont get it, we dont die...so maybe we can live without it. |
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11-24-2009, 03:30 AM | #14 | |
Kamina
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Deep In The African Jungles Of China
Posts: 2,733
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Quote:
Also, guys shouldn't have to ask women out. If a woman wants a guy but does jack shit about it, expecting him to have to ask her out, it's nobodys fault but her own when they don't end up together. Fucking feminist hypocracy.
__________________
"Go beyond the impossible and kick reason to the curb!" ~ Kamina, Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann "I've been thinking with my gut since I was 14, and I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains." ~ Rob Gordon, High Fidelity "All men are potential rapists. ALL MEN. Even the pope!" ~ Shirley Valentine "When you're pushed, killing's as easy as breathing." ~ John Rambo, Rambo IV "I don't think I'm easy to talk about. I've got a very irregular head. And I'm not anything that you think I am anyway." ~ Syd Barrett, Rolling Stone, December 1971 |
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11-24-2009, 05:06 AM | #15 | |
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no one wants to be alone im only 24 |
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11-24-2009, 05:20 PM | #16 | ||
Unknown Entity
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Quote:
Maybe your standards are too high ... Maybe the women's standards aren't low enough ... Quote:
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The Life and Death of Sam Crow - How the Sons of Anarchy lost their way Last edited by Sternenlied; 11-24-2009 at 05:23 PM. |
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11-26-2009, 11:55 PM | #17 |
Pa'l Mundo
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: ObamaNation
Posts: 2,460
Reputation: 33436 |
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11-26-2009, 11:57 PM | #18 | |
Pa'l Mundo
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: ObamaNation
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Quote:
Last edited by ChiTownHoney; 11-26-2009 at 11:59 PM. |
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11-26-2009, 11:59 PM | #19 | |
Pa'l Mundo
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: ObamaNation
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Quote:
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11-27-2009, 01:39 PM | #20 |
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aww i lack confidence, ever since i was in school i was bullied alot and i just went quiet, and girls would just put me down about how i look, just cause im not good as looking as any of the guys that went to the school..
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