funny stories, things, etc.

[hornybisexualbitch]

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN


D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full
hours.



E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding
you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they
moved out.



ST.M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed
before an evening out increases breas t size, decreases intelligence, and
prevents conception.


D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting
in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.


F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and
the urge to flip off other drivers.



M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "



BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency,
duration, and credit limit of spending spree.



J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone n umber, or to lift the toilet seat.



A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager
to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.



N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
irritation level as nagging him.

[hornybisexualbitch]

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"


The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"


The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."


The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work.

[hornybisexualbitch]

Last week was my birthday
>> and I didn't feel very well
>> waking up on that morning.
>>
>> I went downstairs for breakfast
>> hoping my wife would be pleasant
>> and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
>> possibly have a small present for me.
>>
>> As it turned out,
>> she barely said good morning,
>> let alone "Happy Birthday."
>>
>> I thought...
>> Well, that's marriage for you,
>> but the kids....
>> They will remember.
>>
>> My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a
>> word.
>> So when I left for the office,
>> I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
>>
>> As I walked into my office,
>> my
>> secretary Jane said,
>> "Good Morning Boss,
>> and by the way Happy Birthday! "
>> It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
>>
>> I worked until one o'clock ,
>> when Jane knocked on my door
>> and said, "You know,
>> It's such a beautiful day outside,
>> and it is your Birthday,
>> what do you say we go out to lunch,
>> just you and me."
>> I said, "Thanks, Jane,
>> that's the greatest thing
>> I've heard all day.
>> Let's go!"
>>
>> We went to lunch.
>> But we didn't go
>> where we normally would go.
>> She chose instead a quiet bistro
>> with a private table.
>> We had two martinis each
>> and I enjoyed
>> the meal tremendously.
>> On the way back to the office,
>> Jane said, "You know,
>> It's such a beautiful day...
>> We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"
>>
>> I responded,
>> "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
>> She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
>>
>> After arriving at her apartment,
>> Jane turned to me and said,
>> " Boss, if you don't mind,
>> I'm going to step into the bedroom
>> for just a moment.
>> I'll be right back."
>> "Ok," I nervously replied.
>>
>> She went into the bedroom and,
>> after a couple of minutes,
>> she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .
>> Followed by my wife, my kids,
>> and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy
Birthday.
>>
>> And I just sat there...
>>
>> On the couch...
>>
>> Naked.

[hornybisexualbitch]

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER


1. Sag, you're it.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.


SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' Names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.


OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

[hornybisexualbitch]

American Medical Association researchers have made a

Remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may

Benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know.

[Jezebel]

XD that was really great! Thanks HB!!! <3 <3

[hornybisexualbitch]

Miss Judy, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been
> married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One
> afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
> quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared
> tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister
noticed
> a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with
water,
> and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned
> with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle
> his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but
soon
> it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Judy",
he
> said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the
bowl.
> "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through
the
> Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The
> directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it
would
> prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all
> winter."

[my dark side]

Love the jokes alot HBSB.

Thanks for the great laughs

Hugs and kisses for being so sweet

[sindyloo]

Thanks for those they were very funny!!


So damn identity theifs are on the lose again and poor Herman Munster is the victim???.........Overseas crooks cant buy a clue!!!

[sillyjunior2000]

lol - they are funny

[hornybisexualbitch]

thanks everyone, i thought people might want a laugh, plus i couldnt keep all those stories to myself, i had to share...

[hornybisexualbitch]

A 6 year-old and 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year-old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year-old nods his head in approval. The 6 year-old continued, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.' The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." Whack! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let you out." She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?>>"I don't know," he blubbers,"but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[sillyjunior2000]

ROFL - youngsters dont understand, do they ?

[Louise]

Think this has been on here before...but just in case...

[RapeU]

turkey bondage, lolololzz!!!

[hornybisexualbitch]

LOL that is funny

[Bound and Gagging]

Originally Posted by hornybisexualbitch

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"


The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"


The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."


The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work.

Oh, I do love this one! got it in my email a few weeks ago...everytime I see it I laugh like hell!

[Louise]

In The Beginning

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth
was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.

And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed,
and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let
them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the
air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping
thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own
image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and
Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach,
green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live
long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent
double cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yoghurt, that woman might keep her
figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil
with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own
platter.

And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra
pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not
have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought
forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with
nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center
into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in
cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO's.

[Louise]

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[ego]

I've been told that there is a similar hotel, for men only though.
On the third floor the sign says: "Rich and beautifull".
No man has ever gone in fourth floor