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04-02-2007, 04:20 PM | #1 |
Melana's Pudding Cup
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Neutral Milk Hotel
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Persephone-Don't be cruel :(
Ok....just as a foreword, I know as an artist, what a horrible idea it is to discredit your work before you present it, so forgive me please. But I've never done anything like this before and I just plain don't write crap.
I enjoy reading the stories you guys write and such and I know it's a big part of this community. So I thought I'd give it a try. This story (for any of you giant geeks out there who would know) Is a spin off of the ol' Greek myth of Persephone the goddess of spring and harvest etc. being raped and abducted by Hades to be made his queen of the underworld. >.< It was a heavy Sunday afternoon when Persephone stepped out of her house for a walk. It was one of the first days of spring and she had been stuck indoors for winter and was yearning for some sunshine. Her milky skin prickled pleasantly in the bright midday sun as she started off down the road with the promise of pink cheeks and shoulders that evening. The light sifted through the dappled green of the forest heavily surrounding the road she was taking. She took a short cut through some trees and delighted at the soft crunch of the last of winter’s leaves on the forest floor. The thin sapling trees reaching towards the sky with green tipped fingers all around her. She was heading towards a Catholic retreat center located in some wooded area near her house. The area was empty today, she realized with excitement as she strode through a clearing of blossoming cherry trees. The wind blew the petals around her cheeks like snow and she breathed deeply feeling perfect. The sun shining down on her skin and the petals and the fresh breeze made her feel so intimate with herself. She headed towards an outside version of “The Stations of the Cross.” It was a path with rough-hewn mosaic images of Jesus being crucified. Persephone solemnly walked by a few of the images feeling her mind and body’s holiness. She came upon a large patch in the grass that was beautifully covered in deep purple and white violets near a graphic mosaic of Jesus being brutally whipped. With no real reason she strode over to the mound of violets and rested herself in them. Fondling the violets with a small smile of pure contentment Persephone was blissfully unaware of her surrounding. The sun and the violets and the feeling of security in her own private body overtook her senses. She looked so unspeakably pure and soft with her long golden hair mingling with violets on the ground. Her skin was the purest white, almost glowing in the sun, and her eyes were a dreamy bright blue as she batted her lashes at the secret dreams in her mind. He was thinking just that when he beheld her there in all of her beauty. The man who happened to capture a glimpse of the glowing goddess in all her innocence as his mind brooded over things so dark only her radiating innocence could have disturbed him from them. He sat on a stone bench in the shadows so she could not have seen him when she approached. The woman shown like a beacon of light through his dark mind and pierced his shadows. She was sweet relief to his dark thoughts. The thought that this visage would soon leave his life possibly forever was unthinkable to him. The thought that she would be someone else’s to have, someone else’s to take was unbearable. He knew all too well how quickly it would disappear. The flower petals were crushed beneath his feet as he approached her private reverie. It took Persephone a moment to comprehend his presence as he approached. Her eyes dazed and searching. Was he a dream? As he drew closer his dark shadow reflected in her eyes as a cold fear finally gripped her heart.
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lay your belly under mine you're naked under me, under me such a filthy dimming shine the way you kick and scream, kick and scream Last edited by Jezebel; 09-14-2007 at 05:12 AM. |
04-02-2007, 04:42 PM | #2 |
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I like it so far. You pay more attention to the exposition than most people bother which is good. It will be fun to see how you handle the action.
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04-02-2007, 04:44 PM | #3 |
Melana's Pudding Cup
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Neutral Milk Hotel
Posts: 319
Reputation: 286 |
You really don't think it's crap??
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lay your belly under mine you're naked under me, under me such a filthy dimming shine the way you kick and scream, kick and scream |
04-02-2007, 04:45 PM | #4 |
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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crap?
No, I don't. But even if I did, would that really make you stop writing? If so, you are writing for the wrong reason.
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04-02-2007, 04:48 PM | #5 |
Melana's Pudding Cup
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Neutral Milk Hotel
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Reputation: 286 |
It's obviously not why I'm writing it or else I wouldn't have posted it in the first place, as I fully expected no one to like it. Doesn't mean I don't desire someone to like it. thank you ^^
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lay your belly under mine you're naked under me, under me such a filthy dimming shine the way you kick and scream, kick and scream |
04-02-2007, 05:01 PM | #6 | |
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I like it so far .
Quote:
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04-02-2007, 07:31 PM | #7 |
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I like it, there is a lot of visual words and descriptions which always makes stories come alive no matter the subject. You said you knew better, but did it anyway, so I'm going to tell you. Don't discredit your work. You don't have to put a big disclaimer on it just in case someone doesn't like it. I think you should take that off there. Although explaining what it was about and giving the literary background was good.
The only gripe I have is that I KNOW you wrote this while you were at work, you are so going to get fired. Last edited by Ahab; 04-02-2007 at 07:38 PM. |
04-02-2007, 07:46 PM | #8 |
At Rest
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I know through experience that when you write something your can be your harshest critic... but i love where your going with this and would dearly love to see more... Thanks for sharing it Jezebel
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“If you should die before me, take my hand and ask if you could bring along a friend†|
04-03-2007, 12:39 AM | #9 |
Melana's Pudding Cup
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Neutral Milk Hotel
Posts: 319
Reputation: 286 |
The flower petals were crushed beneath his feet as he approached her private reverie. It took Persephone a moment to comprehend his presence as he approached. Her eyes were dazed and searching. Was he a dream? As he drew closer his dark shadow reflected in her eyes as a cold fear finally gripped her heart.
He didn’t speak a word to her as he swept up beside her. She had no time to think or react to this stranger’s harsh intrusion into her world. His dark powerful presence took her breath away and sent rod of fear through her stomach. He wrapped an iron strong hand around her soft wrist and Persephone’s skin set on fire, sending a chill of fear to her heart and at the same time a thrill of heat all over her body. They paused in the position, Persephone sprawled on the ground, her wrist caught in the grasp of the stranger. They stared into each others eyes for but a moment as a cool breeze played across their hair. Persephone’s was a look of pure horror surprise and pleading. The dark mans look was almost unreadable but a deep unquenchable desire burned dully in the back of his eyes as he gazed upon the fair woman. Almost tenderly he brought the wrist up to his lips and kissed the bottom of her wrist, right on her life giving vein. He could feel the pounding of her heart as she snatched her wrist away and scooted frantically back through the violets until she hit the mosaic image next to the path. He stormed to her side and effortlessly scooped her by her waist bringing her body up to his. She screamed out well aware there would be no one to hear her. He muffled her scream with a passionate kiss and wandered his kisses to her ear. “You are mine. Your lips, your hair, your kiss, your skin are mine now.” He whispered into her ear tenderly trailing his fingers down the perfect curve of her trembling neck. She cried out indignantly at the statement but he threw her down into the sweet grass. Her face burned with embarrassment and fear. She did not strike at him, but looked in awe at his power as he fell down to the grass. She was perfect there… trembling beautifully in the grass, not a sound escaped her lips, but horror shone in her eyes. Even then lying defenseless in the grass, she trusted him somewhere in herself. She trusted him because she had no choice. His power over her was something she felt in the core of her femininity and she could do nothing but quake in awe on the ground and wait for his next move. His hands roaming down over her more private areas, her breasts and stomach and her sensitive sides were more than she could bear quietly. “Please, no!” she moaned pitifully. Her precious feminine innocence was all she had and now her most private self was being shared…taken by a stranger she did not even know by name. She started weeping heavily and stammering her pleas while she tried to claw across the grass. The stranger simply wrapped his arms around her and held her while he nibbled and licked at her ear and neck waiting for her attempts to cease. He slowly started to remove her clothing, whispering about her beauty and his privilege over her quiet weeping. Her shirt was opened and her beautiful breasts were exposed for the first time to him and to the silent violets and grass. He kissed his way down her neck to her fine collar bone and caressed her velvety soft breasts. His mouth found her small pink nipples and the pair moaned in unison as he sucked. They tasted sweet and untainted to him and he ran his hands over her soft naked sides and belly. He ripped his own shirt off and came back down upon her and kissed her lips, moaning at the feel of their warm skin against each other. He kissed the tear stains on her cheeks and tasted the fresh ones as they fell from the pools in her eyes. When he started removing her pants she made cries anew and struggled to free herself from his grasp. He yanked them down more urgently and moaned at the site of her creamy velvety thighs. “god” he murmured before diving down to lick the crevice between the top of her leg and her hip bone. Persephone moaned at the touch of his hot tongue so close to her privates but was still frantically trying to crawl away. He made his way in between her legs and smelled the musky flowery scent of her. He started to unbuckle his belt and Persephone started to scream out louder, not wanting to see him in his nudity and even more afraid of what would come next. He pulled his pants down and scooped up the girl frantically trying to run away pulling her up against him. He savored the feeling of their warm naked bodies against each other and rubbing together with nothing in the way of their natural course. Persephone’s whimpers had died and she now stared wide eyed at the beautiful man before her shaking her head, but secretly hoping he wouldn’t stop. He tossed her back into the sweet cool grass and she felt it prickling into her back. It was a feeling she would have relished in any other circumstanced. The feeling of his head of his cock pushed against the lips of her privates made a fresh scream of horror escape her lips. She thrashed about, but it was too late. He had already positioned himself and was entering her, wet and violated. He moaned wildly as he started bucking up against her. She cried out in a different voice, one of sweet agony as she felt the pain of her lost virginity, and the pleasure of it. “your are mine, understand?” he said she barely was able to nod as her head knocked slightly against the ground as he thrust himself into the girl. She was not his entirely yet, he knew. He started thrusting harder and fondling her bouncing breasts, moaning aloud about her beauty and perfection. She murmured something unintelligible as her eyes rolled back into her head and she grasped her arms around his shoulders. She came hard, and for the first time in her life. He grabbed her and held her close as she orgasmed, whispering of his love for her. He lay with her as she recovered and they stared into the darkening sky. “Finish me.” He commanded her. “yes” She had no choice. She kissed her way down to his member and slowly started kissing and sucking it, making love to it to pleasure him. When he came she drank his seed and she collapsed in the grass and watched the setting sun as it played across the glass mosaics. He picked Persephone’s limp body from the grass and held her in his arms. A cold evening wind blew the cherry blossom petals around them like snow. She curled into a ball as he carried her off. “We are one now, my love.” He whispered in her ear. She barely heard him over the roaring in her head. Hahaha...get it? she ate the seed? hahahaha...woooooo Get it? Cause Persephone is eternally damned to stay in the underworld because she ate one pomegranate seed and whatnot? haha...wooo....yeah. seed. XD
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lay your belly under mine you're naked under me, under me such a filthy dimming shine the way you kick and scream, kick and scream Last edited by Jezebel; 09-14-2007 at 05:22 AM. |
04-03-2007, 12:40 AM | #10 |
Melana's Pudding Cup
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Neutral Milk Hotel
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http://www.sfist.com/attachments/sfi...egranates1.jpg mmmm...is it just me or are pomegranates sexy?
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lay your belly under mine you're naked under me, under me such a filthy dimming shine the way you kick and scream, kick and scream |
04-03-2007, 12:26 PM | #11 |
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Yes and rumor has it they were the orginial fruit that caused Adam and Eve to be evicted from EDEN!!
Loved your story well done in the classical style as well! and loved the romance touch you put into it. Could feel her overwhelming feelings thru your words! Well done dear. Very nice Story!!
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04-03-2007, 02:59 PM | #12 |
At Rest
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Great continuation of this story Jezebel... your writing has a very tender and emotive quality ... excellent work
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04-03-2007, 03:20 PM | #13 |
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Interesting interpretation excellently done Jezebel! Very good.
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04-03-2007, 06:56 PM | #14 |
Melana's Pudding Cup
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Neutral Milk Hotel
Posts: 319
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Wow I'm really glad you've all been so nice
Even still, it was my first time, and I think it wasn't so great. But over time I vow to become better at writing about sex thanks to everyone for all your support
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lay your belly under mine you're naked under me, under me such a filthy dimming shine the way you kick and scream, kick and scream |
04-04-2007, 04:44 AM | #15 |
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Quite good as far as I am concerned
keep writing!
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04-27-2007, 11:32 AM | #16 |
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I patiently await more...
Very nicely done !
I was glued to my monitor and know I shall return often, ...in hopes of more spoils.
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09-11-2008, 08:31 AM | #17 |
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