The not quite so sick joke thread!

[Lemarchand]

Hello gang!

Seeings the sick joke thread kinda got all out of hand and off topic, how about a few not quite so sick ones?


A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"


I'm here all week!

[Lemarchand]

See if you all like another one?

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

"What is it?" she said.

"A puppy!"



I'm here all week!

[Lemarchand]

Here comes another one!!!


Guy walks into a restaurant. He sits down and this ugly waitress comes over. He then orders a hamburger with catsup and a hot dog. So five minutes later the waitress comes back with a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it. So the man asks, “Where's the burger?”

Then the waitress lifts up her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit and says, “I was keeping it warm.”

Disgusted he says, “Please cancel my hotdog...”





I'm here all week!

[Lemarchand]

Ahh, I see no one is screaming in pain and begging me to stop....interesting!


An Ohio State University mortician student walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Confident that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body. When he rolled it over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man's butt. Mystified, he pulled it out and immediately heard the University of Michigan fight song come out of the guy's butt.

Shaken by what had happened, he quickly shoved the cork back into it's original resting place. He then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you must come, you won't believe what I discovered!!"

Annoyed by the interruption, the professor said, "Let's take a look at this astounding discovery."

When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so he approached the table and promptly removed the cork.

Upon hearing the University of Michigan fight song, he quickly replaced the cork in the cadaver's butt and said, "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song!"





I'm here all week!

[Lemarchand]

Watch out people...here comes another one!!!!



Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing."

Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!"

Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday." The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."




I'm here all week!

[Lemarchand]

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."

"Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?"

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: "I dddoonnnbt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble!"






I'm here all week!

[Lemarchand]

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail."

So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.

So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.

''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy.

''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge.

''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''

''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''

''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge.

''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''



I'm here all week!

[Lemarchand]

An almost blind guy walked into a sexy lingerie shop to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $600 and brought it home for his wife to try on. She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit. But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all. So she came downstairs completely naked.

"Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."


I'm here all week!

[sindyloo]

This guy walks into a Tavern with a Duck on his head. The bartender watches quietly until he comes up to the bar and asks calmly "How can I help ya?"

"Hey can you get this guy off my ass?" asked the Duck!

[Lemarchand]

Originally Posted by sindyloo

This guy walks into a Tavern with a Duck on his head. The bartender watches quietly until he comes up to the bar and asks calmly "How can I help ya?"

"Hey can you get this guy off my ass?" asked the Duck!

lol...sweet!

[Lemarchand]

Three gay men died, and were cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, ''My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane to scatter his ashes in the sky.''

The second man said, ''My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.''

The third man said, ''My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.''



I'm here all week!

[sindyloo]

Oh My Fucking God??


So dont know how to respond with out ending up as a "Butt" of your joke??

Loved it!

[sindyloo]

Good one debaser...loved it!

So there was this Comedian performing at a Comedy Club and he was Bad...very bad his entire routine got boos and jeers!

Just as his time was up he smiled brightly at his nasty audience and said warmly about his last joke!?

"Thanks a lot Folks. Oh and by the way I am here ALL week! Thank you thank you very Much!"

[IrishRed]

A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra.

Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his cockatiel eats all of them. Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off.

Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home and it is hours later before he remembers the cockatiel. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted.

'What happened?' the man asks. 'You were in there for hours and yet youre not only alive but youre sweating like crazy?'

The cockatiel pants, 'Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs a frozen chicken?'

[IrishRed]

In Louisiana, this fella, Boudreaux, had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a truck. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux.

Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine"? the lawyer asked.
Boudreaux responded, "Let me told you what happened. Me, I had jus loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da . .

I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?
Boudreaux said, "I had jus got Bessie into da trailer and I was driving down da road . . ."

The lawyer interrupted again and! said , "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, "I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and was driving her down da highway when dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into da udder.. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move at tall. But, I could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me, I knew she was in some kind o' terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a Highway Patrolman, he came on da scene. He herd Bessie moanin' and groanin' so, him, he went over ta her. After he took hisself a look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between da eyes. Den da Patrolman came cross da road, gun in hand, and looked at
me, and said 'How are you feeling?'"

"Now what da hell would you say?!"

[IrishRed]

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls.

He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice.

"It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool..
They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little, and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I'm telling ya man...you'll have all the babes you want!"

The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, "What's wrong now?"
"Lard-Almighty Bubba!" said Billy-Bob, "the tater goes in the front!"

[Norithar]

Two nuns are driving along the freeway when a vampire swoops down and lands on the windscreen.
"Quick," yells the nun who's driving, "Show him your cross!"
So the other nun leans out the window, and yells "Fuck off!"

[Lemarchand]

A sexy lady in a bar walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager. The bartender says, ''He isn't here but I can do anything the manger can do for you.'' By this time the lady is running her fingers down his face and into his mouth and is letting him suck on her fingers.

She says, ''You're sure he isn't here?''

The bartender says, ''Yes, I'm very sure.''

The lady says, ''Well, I just wanted to tell him there's no toilet paper or soap in the women's restroom.''


I'm here all week!

[Supergirl]

It's hell to get old...

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
'"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85- year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's
like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She
tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out,
still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she
tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried
squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[Lemarchand]

lol, Nice one Supergirl!