The quote thread

[Sodoman]

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
-- (Mississippi, 1935)

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.

Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.

W.C. Fields; I think it's safe to say that Mr. Fields liked to have a drink.

[Sodoman]

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap....He was in the electric chair.

Rodney Dangerfield.

[Sodoman]

To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.

Life's tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.

Benjamin Franklin

[Sodoman]

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all art and science.

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.

Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -how passionately I hate them!

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

Albert Einstein

[Sodoman]

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

Bill Cosby

[Sodoman]

Insanity in individuals is something rare -- but in groups, parties, nations, and epochs it is the rule.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.

The best weapon against an enemy is another enemy.

The Freddy!

[Sodoman]

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.

Geroge Burns

[Sodoman]

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

Robin Williams

[Sodoman]

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Winston Churchill

[Sodoman]

Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.

Giving up smoking is easy...I've done it hundreds of times.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Man - a figment of God's imagination.

It is full of interest. It has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and some good morals; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies.
-- Commenting on the Bible.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Mark Twain

[Sodoman]

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much -- just an occasional sun visor.

I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.
-- (Horse Feathers, 1932)

My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Groucho Marx

[Sodoman]

The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back!

Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

You can't say civilization isn't advancing; in every war they kill you in a new way.

People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

We can't all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

Will Rogers

[Sodoman]

My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.

Whenever I hear any one arguing for slavery I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg

And in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.

The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it strictly.

My experience has taught me that a man who has no vices has damned few virtues.

Abraham Lincoln

[kodavictimm]

Fat chicks need love too... but they got to pay.

Is it possible she's a whore? You know, like on weekends to pay for her mom's dialysis... as in my fantasy.

Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.

Here's to the Drunken Clam, boys. Where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I.

Whoa. Transvestite, back off. Wait a minute... pre-op or post-op?

You're gonna end up in jail. And not the good jail you see on Cinemax. The man jail.

Giggidy, Giggidy, Giggidy.

- Glen Quagmire

[shysnale]

Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part.

Aimee Mullins, Oprah Magazine, May 2004

[shysnale]

Originally Posted by Sodoman

My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.

Whenever I hear any one arguing for slavery I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg

And in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.

The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it strictly.

My experience has taught me that a man who has no vices has damned few virtues.

Abraham Lincoln

Whow Sodoman, thank you for all these great posts.

[Rheostatic]

Mitch Hedberg on...

Friends

* I was gonna stay over at my friend's house. She says "You're gonna have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! Got me again. You don't know how bad I wanna sleep on the wall!

* I have a friend who is a juggler. When I go to his house I don't like to take food from him if it is in threes. "He has three apples left...I guess I can't have one." Wouldn't want to mess up the practice routine.

* If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

* My friend said to me, "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No, man, it's not the weather that is trippy. Perhaps it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should have just said, 'Yeah.'"

* My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause in there."

* I knew a woman who was a good friend of mine, and she gave me a friendship card that said "a friend is one of life's most beautiful gifts." On the inside were a bunch of quotes about friendship. Got me thinking that maybe I should quit stealing money out of her purse. But I couldn't, because her birthday was fast approaching.

[Grm]

I thought Stern might like to dance with this from Richard III,

"But then I sigh, and with a piece of scripture,
Tell them that God bids us do good for evil.
And thus I clothe my naked villainy
With odd old ends stolen forth of holy writ,
And seem I a saint, when most I play the Devil."

[Sternenlied]

Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him.

Lady Macbeth

Nice to know, our most famous writer is still known to mankind ...

[Sternenlied]

"Es ist nicht deine Schuld, daß die Welt ist wie sie ist, es wär' nur deine Schuld, wenn sie so bleibt."

("It's not your fault the world is what it is, it would only be your fault if it stayed that way.")

Die Ärzte (German punk band)