was this real rape?

[Babu]

Not to get into too much detail here.. but I met a man recently.. for some roleplaying rape/dominance fantasy stuff.. all was going well.. and I was enjoying it for sure.. but then it got a bit out of hand.. i've never done this before, and we forgot to go over a "safe-word" we had both had a bit to drink and before I know it there is a lot of pain.. and it kinda went past the fantasy part.. I didn't want to do it anymore and started yelling stop.. but he didnt..

I don't know.. maybe he thought that was part of the roleplaying? I mean I definitely started fighting him.. but it seemed it only excited him more.. and made him more violent..

its the day after now.. and I'm still in a lot of pain.. I mean I'm not gonna report it.. god with the emails we shared, and I consentually went over there.. it was just more like there came a pt where I couldn't take it anymore, it wasn't fun.. and I wanted to stop.. but he didnt stop..

So uh.. kinda real-life post.. and its a bit awkward.. but you guys roleplay a lot etc.. what do you think? If you were doing that with a girl, and she started fighting you.. and you could tell she was in pain (there was blood etc) and you hadn't discussed a safe word, would you think her yelling stop was serious? I really just think he got carried away..gah.. I don't know waht to think really.. any feedback is really appreciated.. thanks

[shamsundar]

I think you should just try to write it off as a bad experiment. This kind of games always carry this kind of risk and you shouldnt get into them if you cant take it in your stride. So think of it as an unpleasant "flop", and get over it.
One word of advice - "safe words" are no guarantees of definite "switch-offs". If you want that sort of entirely "controlled" game you should try it only with a boy-friend, and never a stranger. And if you want to go for this kind "uncontrolled" game, do remember that you should not expect everyone of them to turn out to be enjoyable.
About your question - no, I do not think it was rape, but in that guy's position I would have stopped.

It would have become rape only if you withdrew consent, if you told him when you started to feel pain, that "you wanted to stop and i mean it" or "i want to leave now stop what you are doing etc" and he continued then it is rape but it would be hard to prove given he has emails with you, partners can withdrawl consent at any time even if your fucking away, if you continue then it is rape as consent with withdrawl and you should stop.

At the end of the day what you have dscribed is rape but proving it would be hard

[mythcerberus]

Babu,

You both went wrong in a few places. You recognize there was drinking involved which impairs judgement regardless of what was agreed upon. And there should have been a safe word and defined limits. I think this could be construed as a real rape. I also think it would be hard to prove for the reasons you mentioned. Good luck in the future.

[Luke rape stalker]

Hi Babu,

i think it was real rape for you but only a game for him. This was a really bad experience for you. My ex girlfriend loves this games too, but she was really raped from her ex (the guy before i come). I hated him for doing this to her but after some time i make myself some thoughts. Which chance he had to recognize her real "stop" from a played "stop" ?
Its like the others say, these games are dangerous. When you play it with strangers you never know. Some girls love pain, how will a stranger know where are your borders?
When i play rough with my wife i know exact when i really hurt her and when i have to stop. In germany we say "when the bood is in the cock is the brain in the arse".
Perhaps if he really want it he can see your real pain.
I hope you can stand this experience and you take something out of this for you. My ex gf need a long time to handle it. Often when we have "normal flower sex" she suddenly begin to have fear and tremble. Then i need some minutes to relax her.
Wish you all the luck for your future.

[nathan]

Babu,

First and foremost, I'm sorry to hear that you had a bad experience. Women who have the courage to do offline roleplay are to be cherished. I hope that this was not too traumatic, and that you can recover from it quickly.

I would agree with the other posts that I would have stopped in the same situation... although I would never do a roleplay without a safe word (never say never... but certainly never with a first-time encounter). I would also agree that it crossed the line to rape, in a gray area perhaps, but in terms of your intent and consent, it was rape.

Yes, safety precautions should always be taken... but I sincerely hope that you don't interpret the failure to have a safe word as in any way making you to blame for what happened. As a dom, I consider it my own responsibility to make sure that play is safe and well-planned. I wish the fellow you were with had the same commitment.

-Nathan

[Babu]

Thanks guys.. I'm actually a bit confused.. I'm not emotionally upset.. or really anything in that matter.. *gasp* I am actually thinking of maybe trying it again? (with a DEFINITE safe word this time) The only thing that I'm currently upset about is that I'm still in fucking pain lol.. fuck.. oh well, that'll go away.. and I'll be ready for a new experience..

Oh and new experience that I gave myself last nite.. I said.. dammit.. I deserve something nice.. so I masterbated.. and wow.. masterbating while you have to be gentle and even cumming hurts.. it was good

[WEIRD1976]

I would just be more careful next time.

If I knew a woman REALLY wanted to stop I would.
I'm fine with make beileve,but when it comes to the real thing I think a guy should get his you know chopped off for raping a woman.

JUst my 2 cents.

[nathan]

Originally Posted by Babu

Thanks guys.. I'm actually a bit confused.. I'm not emotionally upset.. or really anything in that matter.. *gasp* I am actually thinking of maybe trying it again? (with a DEFINITE safe word this time) The only thing that I'm currently upset about is that I'm still in fucking pain lol.. fuck.. oh well, that'll go away.. and I'll be ready for a new experience..

Oh and new experience that I gave myself last nite.. I said.. dammit.. I deserve something nice.. so I masterbated.. and wow.. masterbating while you have to be gentle and even cumming hurts.. it was good

Glad to hear you're doing OK, Babu. If pain persists, consult a physician. No, really... just because you chose to engage in some intense play, you should not feel ashamed about going to a doc to get checked out for any injuries. I'm sure your local bdsm community could recommend an understanding gyn.

And good for you for climbing back in the saddle! (No pun intended... I didn't say "stirrups" after all ).

-Nathan

[MarcEdeSade]

You got raped. You asked for it, and got exactly what you wanted.
This is actually a good experience for you, because anything less than too much would have left you wanting more...interesting paradox.

Would I have stopped? Nope.

The whole point was for you to be raped. Mission accomplished. Most excellent.

If it was a miserable experience. even better. You got the real deal, and many don't have that kind of experience ever. Most are too afraid to even consider such a thing.

Traumatic experiences are excellent for learning, and I'm sure you've learned more about yourself from that roll than you'd have ever learned from geniune "play" sessions.

Kudos to you!

[theman]

I say I would have stopped, but in all honestly, I'm not sure if I would have...

Anyways thats riding the fence with me morally over rape, but in a court it would be shot down in 2 seconds and not counted as rape (I believe).

[numbers]

I think if you don't make up a safe word, then "stop" really means stop.

[ego]

You feel something for this guy?

[Babu]

Feel something? no.. I had just met him >.<

Anyway, days passing, I'm feeling better.. almost ready to maybe try this out again properly :P

[WEIRD1976]

Well,just be careful! OK?

[ChiTownHoney]

Tell me something....Do you think back on the experience and think good about that experience or think that you never want that to happen again?

The reason I ask is because if your are a freak (like me ), then you may have enjoyed it even though you didnt want it at the moment. I will give you an example. I was with this dude who a couple years back....he didnt rape me cause I told him him, but he kept trying...and he kinda forced me to do things, but not sex. I told him I didnt want to, but he did them anyways....Its not even like we were doing any roleplay. I didnt really know him that well...just fooling around.....anyways....a few days later, I told my friends, omg this guy is so scary! he was aggressive and did this and that...but deep down I was smiling because I like that in a man.....and couldnt wait to see him again.

Originally Posted by Babu

Not to get into too much detail here.. but I met a man recently.. for some roleplaying rape/dominance fantasy stuff.. all was going well.. and I was enjoying it for sure.. but then it got a bit out of hand.. i've never done this before, and we forgot to go over a "safe-word" we had both had a bit to drink and before I know it there is a lot of pain.. and it kinda went past the fantasy part.. I didn't want to do it anymore and started yelling stop.. but he didnt..

I don't know.. maybe he thought that was part of the roleplaying? I mean I definitely started fighting him.. but it seemed it only excited him more.. and made him more violent..

its the day after now.. and I'm still in a lot of pain.. I mean I'm not gonna report it.. god with the emails we shared, and I consentually went over there.. it was just more like there came a pt where I couldn't take it anymore, it wasn't fun.. and I wanted to stop.. but he didnt stop..

So uh.. kinda real-life post.. and its a bit awkward.. but you guys roleplay a lot etc.. what do you think? If you were doing that with a girl, and she started fighting you.. and you could tell she was in pain (there was blood etc) and you hadn't discussed a safe word, would you think her yelling stop was serious? I really just think he got carried away..gah.. I don't know waht to think really.. any feedback is really appreciated.. thanks

Wow, where to begin? First, I do not do any kind of roleplaying that involves drawing blood. If I see blood, I stop. I make it clear from the beginning that I do not do anything that will leave permanent disfigurement, scars, or black and blues. Just not my thing and if some babe wants it I tell her to seek elsewhere. I like to keep my victims pretty.

Second, safe words are the first rule in this game. If you are experiancing pain beyond what you crave, then you have to have a signal to stop. Pain is your body's way of saying something is wrong. If he disregards it after it is established, then he has crossed the line. Doing these kind of games with a friend or at least a known aquaintaince is the safest bet. I have had girlfriends who have been victims of rape and are not into this fantasy at all. For them it was not a game gone wrong, it was crime commited against them by a freak.

Also drinking is one of those things that impairs judgment. In some cases the law says that if you drink too much, you no longer have the capacity to give consent. That is on him. No matter what in this game we play, care is needed and trust is imperitive. Trust your instincts if you can't be sure if you can trust someone that you meet.

The real rape: As for stopping I agree that I hope i'm strong enough to stop my self. As for using the safe word. make sure its a word that wouldn't come in normal coverstation. The blood thing thats another story to much not cool but a little maybe. I have always found the best safe word to use is like the same way to make sure some one isn't drinking to much Red Yellow and Green. They have always worked for me with my ex. Mind you we neevr disd rape play. For us bdsm. Good luck wiyh futre endeavours and glad that this hasn't turned you off the whole game.

[Tanya]

Hi Balu....Im sorry you had this experience. its why a safe word is a must because of this. I dont think it was real rape, because you didnt have a safe word. But that doesnt mean that you cant feel bad about the experience. you can. The line between real rape and fantasy can be sooo thin when we are playing

Last year i had told a guy i didnt know if id do anal or not, but during the roleplay he did it anyway. I didnt say the safeword so i cant consider it real rape even though i didnt want it..

Even the first time i roleplayed i felt bad after it for a few days. Was this your first time at doing it? There are so many emotions that go with it.

I hope you are feeling better now. Remember please if u do it again a safeword is a MUST. Its just so important because saying 'no stop" wont work because of what it is, rape roleplay

"hugs"

[dark_d3viant]

I had a bad experience myself a while back, and ended up a little emotional We did have safewords..but it turned out to be a bit too close to a traumatic thing for my liking...and then I thought I was being a real idiot saying 'stop, I'm not enjoying that' even though he was really into it. I kinda felt too lame to speak up. So even with safewords - it can all go wrong.

Still, I'm glad to hear it hasn't upset you emotionally and put you off! It's a case of picking yourself up off the floor & seeking better company. Or in my case talking it out with said partner until we completely understand where the boundaries are..Well it's 10 times better after that, and I no longer feel like a wimp saying the safeword

I'm sure you'll have a better experience next time, it's all a learning curve & can only get better & better & more towards the way you like it with the right partner

Oh yeah, and a little alcohol can take the 'nervous' edge off (I'm talking a few sips) but getting a bit drunk/blind drunk beforehand for me always dulls my senses and I end up not realising I'm in heaps of pain... until later - yowch. Or I pass out

xx