Just for laughs!! - Page 30 - Rape Board

touriquet2001 · 06-21-2008, 03:10 PM

It all started out with me pickin' up my blushin' bride in a limo down to the 7 Eleven when she got off'n work.

Pappy ran down to the Burger King to pick up the re-ception vittles.

I took my blushin' bride to a place where she could get dressed up 'n all.

My bride was having problems with a worked up stomach, if you know what I mean, so we had the preacher man meet us at the outhouse fer the ceremony.

Pappy took a picture of my bride by her new tractor. It was a weddin' gift from Uncle Clem.

Now that the ceremony was done. It was time to celebrate. Granny had the cooler all stocked up with beer.

Bubba dragged out the grill.

Cousin Nester went to roastin' up some weiners.

Meanwhile everyone enjoyed some yard games.

touriquet2001 · 06-21-2008, 03:13 PM

Some of the fellers went water skiing.

The Hatfield girls were packin', jest in case.

When all the fun was over, me and the bride moseyed down to our honeymoon suite.

It even had air conditionin'.

After the honeymoon we loaded up and moved.

To our beautiful waterfront condo.

Now don't married life beat all?

touriquet2001 · 06-21-2008, 03:18 PM

Flight school

Cheap Way To Impress Women

One Spoiled Elephant

Good Advice

Look out for the Police

Water Break

Fighting Boredom

Smoking Bus

Entrance Only

Help

touriquet2001 · 06-21-2008, 03:27 PM

Redneck's Christmas Tree

Excuse me.......have you seen my lost cat?

Products and signs from around the world have slightly different meanings here in the USA ....

touriquet2001 · 06-21-2008, 03:28 PM

YOU NAMED IT WHAT?

You named it what? #2

You named it what? #3

touriquet2001 · 06-21-2008, 03:29 PM

NO WORDS NECESSARY !

touriquet2001 · 06-21-2008, 03:30 PM

touriquet2001 · 06-21-2008, 03:31 PM

This is the NEW International Symbol for Gasoline

touriquet2001 · 06-21-2008, 03:33 PM

all of these as most of the ones i've posted recently came from baby , credit goes to her .

thank you for sharing them with me and allowing me to share them darlin'

touriquet2001 · 06-27-2008, 04:53 PM

BEST 'HEADACHE' JOKE EVER!!!!!

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.'

'Perfect,' her husband said.' I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin.You can take it orally,or as a suppository, it's up to you.'

MARADONA · 07-04-2008, 10:12 AM

OMG!!!!! This thread is jsut too funnier!!!!!

GREAT WORK GUYS!!!!!!

MARADONA · 07-04-2008, 10:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phantom

eh eh it wasn't easy to choose one post...but yeah probably this one is the most hilarious of all!

MARADONA · 07-04-2008, 10:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by touriquet2001

Redneck's Christmas Tree

Excuse me.......have you seen my lost cat?

Products and signs from around the world have slightly different meanings here in the USA ....

eh eh it looks impossible but it's real!!!! no words!!!!

sindyloo · 07-04-2008, 05:25 PM

Thanks those were so damn funny and even better with out words!

La RecepciÃƒÂ³n a Presupuesto ordinario estimados. Encanta sus puestos aquÃƒÂ* todos los muy interesante y divertido! Usted es un gran miembro aquÃƒÂ*. Ã‚Â¡ Tienen un dÃƒÂ*a maravilloso!

touriquet2001 · 07-06-2008, 02:32 AM

thank you maradona

glad you liked some of them darlin' sindy

i have some "private" ones for your eyes only , come here sweet little one .....

touriquet2001 · 09-12-2008, 01:01 AM

Newlyweds

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other." He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you! we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along. So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in free style, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

'No," she said, "I was a hooker in Kentucky and I worked both sides of the Ohio River."

touriquet2001 · 09-12-2008, 01:02 AM

Shrink vs Bartender

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him: 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so? With an attitude he asked . . . and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!! ! '

SCREW THOSE SHRINKS. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

touriquet2001 · 09-12-2008, 01:03 AM

ED AND DOROTHY

Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation and Ed fell head over heels 'In Like' with her But after a couple of weeks wherein Ed took Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was convinced that it was true love.
And so....on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.
'It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut, ' Ed said to his newfound lady friend. 'I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!'

'Dorothy took a deep breath and responded: 'Since we're being honest with each other, here goes ... you need to know that I'm a hooker'

'I see', Ed replied. 'That's a problem, for sure.' He spent some time looking down at the table, deep in thought.

Then he added, 'You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.'

touriquet2001 · 09-12-2008, 01:06 AM

Computer Problems

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric.......

touriquet2001 · 09-12-2008, 01:08 AM

Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocussed his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly
at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.

06-21-2008, 03:10 PM	#581
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886	It all started out with me pickin' up my blushin' bride in a limo down to the 7 Eleven when she got off'n work. Pappy ran down to the Burger King to pick up the re-ception vittles. I took my blushin' bride to a place where she could get dressed up 'n all. My bride was having problems with a worked up stomach, if you know what I mean, so we had the preacher man meet us at the outhouse fer the ceremony. Pappy took a picture of my bride by her new tractor. It was a weddin' gift from Uncle Clem. Now that the ceremony was done. It was time to celebrate. Granny had the cooler all stocked up with beer. Bubba dragged out the grill. Cousin Nester went to roastin' up some weiners. Meanwhile everyone enjoyed some yard games.

06-21-2008, 03:13 PM	#582
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886	Some of the fellers went water skiing. The Hatfield girls were packin', jest in case. When all the fun was over, me and the bride moseyed down to our honeymoon suite. It even had air conditionin'. After the honeymoon we loaded up and moved. To our beautiful waterfront condo. Now don't married life beat all?

06-21-2008, 03:18 PM	#583
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886	Flight school Cheap Way To Impress Women One Spoiled Elephant Good Advice Look out for the Police Water Break Fighting Boredom Smoking Bus Entrance Only Help

06-21-2008, 03:27 PM	#584
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886	Redneck's Christmas Tree Excuse me.......have you seen my lost cat? Products and signs from around the world have slightly different meanings here in the USA ....

06-21-2008, 03:28 PM	#585
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886	YOU NAMED IT WHAT? You named it what? #2 You named it what? #3

06-21-2008, 03:29 PM	#586
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886	NO WORDS NECESSARY !

06-21-2008, 03:30 PM	#587
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886

06-21-2008, 03:31 PM	#588
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886	This is the NEW International Symbol for Gasoline

06-21-2008, 03:33 PM	#589
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886	all of these as most of the ones i've posted recently came from baby , credit goes to her . thank you for sharing them with me and allowing me to share them darlin'

06-27-2008, 04:53 PM	#590
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886	BEST 'HEADACHE' JOKE EVER!!!!! A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.' 'Perfect,' her husband said.' I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin.You can take it orally,or as a suppository, it's up to you.'

07-04-2008, 10:12 AM	#591
MARADONA Banned Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Land of the Lost Posts: 1,838 Reputation: 40272	OMG!!!!! This thread is jsut too funnier!!!!! GREAT WORK GUYS!!!!!!

07-04-2008, 05:25 PM	#594
sindyloo Privileged Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 2,178 Reputation: 34844	Thanks those were so damn funny and even better with out words! La RecepciÃƒÂ³n a Presupuesto ordinario estimados. Encanta sus puestos aquÃƒÂ* todos los muy interesante y divertido! Usted es un gran miembro aquÃƒÂ. Ã‚Â¡ Tienen un dÃƒÂa maravilloso!

07-06-2008, 02:32 AM	#595
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886	thank you maradona glad you liked some of them darlin' sindy i have some "private" ones for your eyes only , come here sweet little one .....

09-12-2008, 01:01 AM	#596
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886	Newlyweds A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other." He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you! we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along. So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in free style, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" 'No," she said, "I was a hooker in Kentucky and I worked both sides of the Ohio River."

09-12-2008, 01:02 AM	#597
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886	Shrink vs Bartender Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him: 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.' 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.' 'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!' 'Is that so? With an attitude he asked . . . and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?' 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!! ! ' SCREW THOSE SHRINKS. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

09-12-2008, 01:03 AM	#598
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886	ED AND DOROTHY Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation and Ed fell head over heels 'In Like' with her But after a couple of weeks wherein Ed took Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was convinced that it was true love. And so....on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue. 'It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut, ' Ed said to his newfound lady friend. 'I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!' 'Dorothy took a deep breath and responded: 'Since we're being honest with each other, here goes ... you need to know that I'm a hooker' 'I see', Ed replied. 'That's a problem, for sure.' He spent some time looking down at the table, deep in thought. Then he added, 'You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.'

09-12-2008, 01:06 AM	#599
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886	Computer Problems I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?' 'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T I used to like Eric.......

09-12-2008, 01:08 AM	#600
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886	Aliens Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.' The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!' The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocussed his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.