Just for laughs!!

[touriquet2001]

Originally Posted by sindyloo

Thanks for those Touri....lots of good laughs Needed them a lot today!

Take care have a nice week!

thank you , not starting off real good , but it'll get better .

[touriquet2001]

more jokes from baby !!!!

Sometimes a name change is the best idea...




Major dilemma in California




How do you get there from here?




Everything you need for
your 'shotgun' wedding!











It's a good deal, but... oh, the college costs!







McLogic gone wrong..










Pork the one you love?








Still Dead, Huh???.........Go Figure...















What?











' Mass suicides...Cows going over the edge...tonight on Channel 3 News...'

[touriquet2001]

Load 'em up with burritos, Mom!!










I'm Confused.. But The Gas Prices Look Good










How does that work?











I can't even comment on this one













ok ..







Speling iz knot imprtunt fir astranawts









Make up your mind








Don't drink and make signs...

[touriquet2001]

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing program on TV.



The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the TV, and the other, on the body part they wanted healed.

Grandma hobbled over to the TV, putting one hand on the TV, and the other on her arthritic hip.

Grandpa made his way over to the TV, putting one hand on the TV, and the other on his crotch.

Grandma looked at him in disgust. "You just don't understand do you? The purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead".

[touriquet2001]

Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.
When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.She called the guy back , licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us,my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill.
I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50.
My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do?



The woman in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks,and left!!!!

[touriquet2001]

Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum


Some of you don't understand this yet, but it's all too true!!

Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum



Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.


Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done you will have a place to live.


Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt.'


Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.


Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-----wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses


Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.


Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.


Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.


Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.


Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.


Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: 'Gosh, I remember these.'

[touriquet2001]

Spanish Lesson

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in
Spanish,unlike English, nouns are designated as either
masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the
class into two groups, male and female, and asked them
to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a
masculine or a feminine noun.?

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its
recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should
definitely be of the feminine gender ('la
computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal
logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with
other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term
memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories
for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers
should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn
them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for
themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but
half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if
you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten
a better model.

The women won.

[touriquet2001]

HOW THE STICK PEOPLE BECAME EXTINCT...



A sad, sad story - but it had to be told.

Stop laughing. I said it's SAD. Now pass it on.

[touriquet2001]

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was
Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.' The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. 'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally
said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'

The devil smiled and said . . .


(This is priceless.)








'OK, Monica, you're free to go.'

[touriquet2001]

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.

When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found
his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.

Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him on the couch.

"What the hell are you doing?" She screamed.

He replied, "Watching Sport with my son-in-law."

[touriquet2001]

How about this for a letter to the editor.

I became confused when I heard these terms which reference the word 'service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
T.V. 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City & County Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are as enlightened as I am.

[touriquet2001]

No Speak English



A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down)



























What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

Now get back to your emails.

I don't know about you sometimes!

[touriquet2001]

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of
spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the
priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up.......then all the other bells started to ring

[touriquet2001]

[touriquet2001]

[touriquet2001]

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.


Since both of them were widowed,

they decided to go fishing together the next day.



The gentleman picked the lady up, and they

headed to the river to his fishing boat and

started out on their adventure.


They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river,

and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt

and pants and made mad passionate love to the man

right there in the boat !

When they finished, t he man couldn't believe

what had just happened, but he had just experienced

the best sex that he'd had in years.



They fished for a while and continued on down the

river, when soon they came upon another fork in the

river.



He again asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,

and made wild passionate love to him again.



This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so

he asked her to go fishing again the next day.



She said yes and there they were the next day,

riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in

river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.



A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman

guided the boat down the river when he came upon

another fork in the river and he asked the

lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up .



This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked

you if you wanted to go up or down you made made

passionate love to me.



Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing

my hearing aid and I thought the choices were

fuck or drown.

[touriquet2001]

Holding the Sun

[touriquet2001]

[touriquet2001]

I don't know about you, but I know this would slow me down! I see myself slowing down, trying to 'straddle' the hole, then breathing again when I cleared it without hitting it!

This is actually a speed control device. Scroll down and look at all three pictures! And much cheaper than speed camera's







VERY clever!!

[touriquet2001]

When I got home last night, my wife

demanded that I take her out to some

place expensive...................



So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!