Just for laughs!! - Page 24 - Rape Board

touriquet2001 · 02-11-2008, 05:30 AM

I Like Your Thinking

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''

02-11-2008, 08:03 AM

Wiz · 02-13-2008, 02:19 AM

I wonder if Maddog knows about this? On second thought, he likely won't give a shit. He doesn't like implants

touriquet2001 · 02-13-2008, 03:44 PM

so you think you're having a bad day ???

touriquet2001 · 02-13-2008, 03:51 PM

bad day 2

touriquet2001 · 02-13-2008, 03:54 PM

bad day 3

touriquet2001 · 02-13-2008, 03:57 PM

bad day 4

touriquet2001 · 02-13-2008, 09:21 PM

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as

'APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.'

And furthermore
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1 She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a

' BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5 She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He

' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in

'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's

'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

ego · 02-14-2008, 09:31 AM

Quote:

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He

' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

Aaahh, you should have tell me that years ago....

Wiz · 02-17-2008, 05:51 PM

Being married to a hospital staff nurse, I get numerous nurse jokes sent to me by friends. I found this one particularly amusing.

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after her third consecutive 12-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat says, 'Well, that's great ...... that's really great ....... some asshole's got my pen.'

touriquet2001 · 02-17-2008, 06:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wiz

Being married to a hospital staff nurse, I get numerous nurse jokes sent to me by friends. I found this one particularly amusing.

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after her third consecutive 12-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat says, 'Well, that's great ...... that's really great ....... some asshole's got my pen.'

that was good !!! thank you wiz

Sierra · 02-17-2008, 07:47 PM

A couple of new lawyer jokes I heard recently. Not dirty, but they tickled me.

Q: What's the difference between a lady lawyer and a pit bull bitch?

A: Lip gloss

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 10?

A: Your Honor

Q: Why don't sharks bite lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy

02-18-2008, 07:46 AM

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

and MY Personal Favorite!!
WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

touriquet2001 · 02-22-2008, 07:38 AM

touriquet2001 · 02-22-2008, 07:39 AM

touriquet2001 · 02-22-2008, 07:41 AM

touriquet2001 · 02-22-2008, 07:43 AM

woody2 · 02-22-2008, 08:39 AM

Having a shitty day? Nothing a good laugh won't cure.

touriquet2001 · 02-25-2008, 11:36 AM

Pharmacist Phun

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

touriquet2001 · 02-25-2008, 11:38 AM

A Pretend Marriage

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

02-11-2008, 08:03 AM	#462
drmephisto Guest Posts: n/a	About all of the above

02-17-2008, 07:47 PM	#472
Sierra Privileged Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Northern California Posts: 1,625 Reputation: 129196	A couple of new lawyer jokes I heard recently. Not dirty, but they tickled me. Q: What's the difference between a lady lawyer and a pit bull bitch? A: Lip gloss Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 10? A: Your Honor Q: Why don't sharks bite lawyers? A: Professional courtesy __________________ Although the most incisive judges of the witches and even the witches themselves were convinced of the guilt of witchcraft, this guilt nevertheless did not exist. Thus it is with all guilt.

02-22-2008, 08:39 AM	#478
woody2 Rape is wrong Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: on land surrounded by water Posts: 245 Reputation: 6313	Having a shitty day? Nothing a good laugh won't cure. __________________ If I said anything to offend you it was purely intentional

02-25-2008, 11:36 AM	#479
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886	Pharmacist Phun A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!" Last edited by touriquet2001; 02-25-2008 at 11:38 AM.

02-11-2008, 05:30 AM	#461
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886	I Like Your Thinking A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny. ''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.'' The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'' The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'' ''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''

02-13-2008, 03:44 PM	#464
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886	so you think you're having a bad day ???

02-13-2008, 03:51 PM	#465
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886	bad day 2

02-13-2008, 03:54 PM	#466
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886	bad day 3

02-13-2008, 03:57 PM	#467
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886	bad day 4

02-13-2008, 09:21 PM	#468
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886	Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as 'APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.' And furthermore HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1 She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a ' BREASTED AMERICAN.' 2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.' 3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.' 4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.' 5 She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.' 6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a ' LOW COST PROVIDER.' HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.' 2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.' 3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He ' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.' 4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.' 5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.' 6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

02-17-2008, 05:51 PM	#470
Wiz if ever a Wiz there was! Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: The Great White North eh. Posts: 1,854 Reputation: 23553	Being married to a hospital staff nurse, I get numerous nurse jokes sent to me by friends. I found this one particularly amusing. A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after her third consecutive 12-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat says, 'Well, that's great ...... that's really great ....... some asshole's got my pen.'

02-18-2008, 07:46 AM	#473
drmephisto Guest Posts: n/a	ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. and MY Personal Favorite!! WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

02-22-2008, 07:38 AM	#474
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886

02-22-2008, 07:39 AM	#475
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886

02-22-2008, 07:41 AM	#476
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886

02-22-2008, 07:43 AM	#477
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886

02-25-2008, 11:38 AM	#480
touriquet2001 please delete Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,805 Reputation: 35886	A Pretend Marriage A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married." The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles. "Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"