Just for laughs!!

[Wiz]

Just FYI ladies:

Tampax announced today that they will be replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.
This will be for the Christmas period only.

[Wiz]

CHINESE SPERM BANK!!! I wonder if a guy can make a donation orally To hell with donating blood. This looks like a lot more fun!

[Wiz]

Thanks for the card Mr. President!

[ego]

*take your laptop out
*turn it on
*make sure he is watching on your screen
*close your eyes, turn them to the sky, whisper something like a pray
*hit the link

http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf

[AWDracer]

Originally Posted by Ntense

Girl's Night Out! - YEA SURE!!

Running a Red Light! - $249!!

Husband Opens the Mail! – REALLY BAD!!

Photo Radar Showing Driver’s Hand Gesture! - PRICELESS!!!

LMFAO

WOW. I didn't even fucking notice that part..... the you know what.

HAWT.

[MADDOGMCMANAMAN]

Originally Posted by Wiz

Thanks for the card Mr. President!

LMAO !!!!!!!

[ego]

For the Italian friends:

http://tcc.itc.it/people/rocchi/fun/europe.html


And stay that way, its nice to be different!

[touriquet2001]

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

[touriquet2001]

The 5 Questions Most Feared by Men

The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the
truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along
with possible responses.

Question 1. What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear.
I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent
woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most
likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball
b. Football
c. How fat you are
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once
told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to
you!"

Question 2. Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in
order, "Yes, Dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, sh*t-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question 3. Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers
are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you are not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I have seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend
the insurance money if you died.

Question 4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect
responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend
the insurance money if you died.

Question 5. What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and
a Boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of
follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
WOMAN: "Would you get married again?"
MAN: "Definitely not!"
WOMAN: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
MAN: "Of course I do."
WOMAN: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
MAN: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WOMAN: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes an audible groan)
WOMAN: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
MAN: "Where else would we sleep?"
WOMAN: "Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?"
MAN: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WOMAN: "And would you let her use my golf clubs?"
MAN: "She can't use them; she is left-handed."
WOMAN: (SILENCE)
MAN: "Sh*t."

[ego]

e. Who, me?

LMAO!!

[touriquet2001]

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

Customer Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

CS: "What sort of trouble?"

C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

CS: "Went away?"

C: "They disappeared."

CS: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

C: "Nothing."

CS: "Nothing?"

C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

CS: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

C: "How do I tell?"

CS: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

C: "What's a sea-prompt?"

CS: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

C: "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

CS: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

C: "What's a monitor?"

CS: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

C: "I don't know."

CS: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

C: "Yes, I think so."

CS: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

C: ".......Yes, it is."

CS: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

C: "No."

CS: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

C: ".......Okay, here it is."

CS: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

CS: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

C: "No."

CS: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

CS: "Dark?"

C: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

CS: "Well, turn on the office light then."

C: "I can't."

CS: "No? Why not?"

C: "Because there's a power outage."

CS: "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

CS: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

C: "Really? Is it that bad?"

CS: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

CS: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

[touriquet2001]

Actual Labels
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

In some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(*Just* a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
(printed on bottom of the box)Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!) (I love it. Food to piss you off)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(Why Not? Wouldn't that save more time?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate heavy machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of accidents if we just kept those 5 year
olds off the roads.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space? Or underground?)

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On a Chinese set of knives:
Warning: keep out of children.
(Do you think this is actually a problem in China?)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(DUH)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What?!) (Good lord, it's like a Stephen King novel)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, ruin a universal childhood fantasy!)

[touriquet2001]

People Don't Like It When You Call Them Stupid
By Mel Turpin
Boy, you try to help people out, but sometimes they can just be so sensitive.
Especially over a little thing like being called stupid.
The other day, I was depositing my paycheck at the bank, and the teller asked me, "Do you want this in checking?" Now, that's a pretty stupid question, seeing as I had closed out my savings account a month before and now only have a checking account. I couldn't believe her stupidity.
But, you know, I try to be tolerant and helpful when dealing with people who
aren't all that swift. So, to give her a clue, I said, "Yeah, put it all in
checking, stupid." No big speech, no insulting dissection of her dumb question.
I just politely answered her and tacked on a little "hint."
Well, Little Miss Genius practically stared daggers at me! What was her problem?
I mean, all I did was call her stupid. And it's not like it's even necessarily her fault she's that way. Her mother might have drank too much when she was carrying her or something. All I was doing was pointing out that there's a problem with her intelligence.
A similar thing happened at Pepe's a couple of weeks ago. I ordered the Beef Enchirito Deluxe Platter, and the waiter brought me a Chicken Enchirito. So, naturally, when he put it down in front of me, I gently said, "I'm sorry, but I ordered the Beef Enchirito, stupid."
The guy takes the plate back, and as he's leaving, he shoots me a nasty look.
Geez, like I'm the dumbass who doesn't know a chicken from a cow! Strike two.
But even so, I try to be nice. Next time he comes to the table, I try explaining to him as nicely as possible why he's stupid. I even talk extra slow to make sure he follows me. But does he appreciate my efforts to better him? Of course not! He tells me, "I have a lot of other tables to serve, sir," and walks off.
Yeah, that would be a real tragedy, not getting waited on by this Einstein, right?
That was his third strike. As a general rule, I drop my tip to 10 percent after
the first stupid move, 5 percent after the second, and on your third, you lose
the whole bundle. I guess a fourth mistake means the waiter would have to tip me, but I'll never find out, because I don't give people a chance to do a fourth stupid thing. I was out of there and off to a smart restaurant.
Frankly, I don't know why I even bother trying to help these people: Every time I do, they get all huffy and defensive.
It's like the silly brouhaha that erupted when a cop pulled me over last week.
It was almost 10 p.m., and I was racing to get to the Builder's Square across
town before they closed so I could get the wood screws I needed for my basement shelving project. Out of nowhere, Smokey swoops down on me, apparently preferring that I get to the store after it closes.
The first sign of trouble from this state-supported moron comes when he asks, "Do you know how fast you were going, sir?" Boy, did I ever! Ninety-three! So I say to him, "I've got a question for you, officer: If you've got a radar gun right there in your cop car, why do you have to ask? What are you, stupid?"
Next thing I know, I'm in court. I end up in front of a judge, and I think to
myself, "Finally! A sensible pillar of the community who'll respond to reason!"
Well, guess what Judge Chucklehead has the gall to ask? "How do you wish to plead to the charges, Mr. Turpin?" Ye gods, was I in the Twilight Zone? What kind of question is that? I was dying to say to him, "Yeah, I think I'll plead guilty to first-degree trying to finish my shelves! May I see my loved ones one more time before you shoot me?"
But I held back, because I try to show respect to people in positions of
authority, even if they don't deserve it. So, instead of responding in a
condescending manner, I answered plainly, "How do I wish to plead? What do you think, stupid?"
I don't even want to get into what happened next, but suffice it to say my faith in our justice system was shaken to its core.

[touriquet2001]

5 Secrets To A Perfect Relationship

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

[touriquet2001]

A Period

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

[touriquet2001]

Who's The Boss?


A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

[touriquet2001]

Men Are From Mars...

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me.

"The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F_KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)
Asshole.

(Gary)
Bitch

(Rebecca)
F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.

(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one.

[Number7]

Ahaha good posts touriquet2001, rep +

[ego]

Funny Touri!
I liked the "period" one!

[Ntense]