My rape thoughts

[ChiTownHoney]

Originally Posted by cryptic

The problem is that we might enjoy it on one level, but also be just as traumatised as a "normal" rape victim.

Imagine what a mindfuck that would be.

i was raped for real at 16.

The guy ended up serving several months in the criminal part of a mental institution, and then a year in jail. (He got a reduced sentence because he "confessed", or rather, boasted to the cops about what he'd done.)

Because i was under 18, my parents forced me to press charges.
i made a statement, telling the detective every detail of fact, painstakingly making sure that i recounted every detail exactly as it had happened.

The only thing i didn't tell anyone was...that secret, sick little part of me...even as i had been fighting him off, crying as he choked me, begging him to stop when he let me breathe...
The sick little part of me that liked it. The part of me that felt emotionally fulfilled in a way that it never had before.

And i've carried that dirty little secret with me for seven years now.

Was i still traumatised?
Yes.

Should he still have gone to prison?
i don't know.
When he got out of prison, he (unbeknownst to either of us) made friends with the same group of people i was hanging out with. He raped my best friend (without realising that i knew her) and drove another of my friends to suicide. He developed a reputation for threatening people at knifepoint, often over completely trivial things like minor disagreements.
So yeah, he was definitely a real criminal.
And what happened to me was definitely real rape.

But i still carry that guilt around with me, and rather than diminishing my "need" to be hurt...it seems to increase it.
i feel guilty for liking abuse. The only way to temporarily ease that guilt is through punishment. The only punishment which successfully eases the guilt is abuse.
...Which makes me feel guilty.
Yay. Vicious cycles are fun.

But anyway...think twice before getting yourself into any dangerous situations. It does more harm than good in the long run.

So my question to you is: Do you wish it never happened?

How exactly did it traumatize you? Did it give you nightmares? Couldnt trust men? Did you like the aftermath?

Do you think about that night and cringe, or do you get excited?

[cryptic]

Originally Posted by ChiTownHoney

So my question to you is: Do you wish it never happened?

How exactly did it traumatize you? Did it give you nightmares? Couldnt trust men? Did you like the aftermath?

Do you think about that night and cringe, or do you get excited?

Wow, bold questions.
No-one's ever had the guts to ask things like that before.
Actually, i respect you for it.
And (about friggin' time, after seven years) i've gotten to a point where i can answer them without feeling ashamed.

"Do you wish it never happened?"

Yes.
Because it fucked up my life.
i quit going to school, shaved my head bald, took up drinking, slept all day and wandered the streets at night, hoping to be hurt again but also terrified of being hurt again.
i felt so guilty for "turning that poor kid into a rapist" (which is how i saw it at the time) that my sense of self-worth dropped to absolute zero. i figured i didn't even deserve to exist unless i devoted the rest of my life to being completely selfless.

"How exactly did it traumatize you? Did it give you nightmares? Couldnt trust men? Did you like the aftermath?"

Nightmares, yeah.
The kind where you wake up and are physically paralysed, and something is behind you and it's vitally important that you turn around, or it'll get you, and it's the most terrifying feeling...more scary than the threat of death.

Couldn't trust men? For a while, no. And every time i saw a guy who looked vaguely like him, i'd freak out.
But i got over that eventually, after realising that most guys aren't like that.

Also, anything that even vaguely reminded me of him or of the events (even little things, like bright blue walls - the colour of the room it happened in - or anyone with a name that sounded like his) would leave me physically shaking and dizzy, like i was about to go crazy, with one foot in reality and the other foot in some weird grey half-world. Hard to explain. Apparently it's called dissociating, when your brain can't handle reality, so it protects you by sort of half-removing you from your circumstances.

Did i like the aftermath?
i hate to admit it, but a part of me did.
Most teenagers naturally go through a pretty self-absorbed angsty phase.
i happened to be at the beginning of mine when this event occurred.
Rape itself is not the way they try to make it look on TV...evil, seductive and almost glamourous.
In reality, it's just dirty, unceremonious, shameful, painful, scary and fucking humiliating.
However...after the fact of the event, my mind turned it into something glamourous.
i would sit alone in a dark room, swigging whiskey straight out of the bottle, dragging on a cigarette and pretending i was some poor "fallen innocent" on a tv show or something.
Pathetic, yeah, but at least it made the events feel less senseless.

Do you think about that night and cringe, or do you get excited?

The big question.

The one that fucked me up just as much as the rape itself; the question i couldn't stop hating myself over.

To be honest...both.

Whenever i remembered what had happened, excitement would begin to creep in along with the memories, despite my best efforts to shut out that sick feeling inside of me.
The knowledge of that perverse feeling was often what made me cringe, thinking, "If anyone knew what a sick freak i was, they would tell me i don't deserve to live. No-one would ever speak to me again. Not my friends, family...no-one. i am beneath contempt."

These days, though, i do not feel any excitement at all when i think about it.
Mostly i'm just over it.
Sometimes i feel angry.
Sometimes i hate him for doing what he did.
i definitely hate him for hurting my friends.
The only reason i don't hate him even more is because i feel like i don't have a right to hate him...like my partly enjoying it makes me partly responsible.
Like i'm half-criminal too, or something.

i try to telll myself that that's silly...i didn't ask for it, and it was his crime, not mine...but then i remember what everyone else would think if they could see inside my head, and all of a sudden i feel like i don't deserve to stop feeling guilty.

Anyway...i'm gonna shut up now, 'cause i've rambled on for way too long...sorry about that.
Ugh...this is something i haven't let myself think about in a long time.
i'm terrified to hit "send" and share all these thoughts with strangers...but it feels important to do so.

i guess what i'm trying to say is...just because i don't always suffer in the same way a more "normal" rape survivour would...certainly doesn't mean i don't suffer.
It hurts me just as much, it's just that it sometimes hurts me in a different way.
And it's just as wrong to rape someone like me, as it is to rape someone who doesn't have these types of fantasies.
At least, that's what the logical, non-guilt-ridden part of my brain says.

[AtomicGarbage]

Oh god. I know exactly how you feel. I do enjoy the fantasies and everything, but in roleplaying the situation is still ultimately under your control, and the experience isn't really as intense as it is when you're truly uncertain and afraid of what the outcome turns out to be. The fear is the most important part.

I don't have any more answers than you do, though. If you find any, I'd sure like to know.

[ChiTownHoney]

WOW Cryptic, this is very brave of you for sharing and really opens up my eyes! I feel we have some stuff in common, and I do understand your feelings in a way, yet cant understand completely. because I didnt experience what you went through.

The closest I can come is that incident I told you about with the crack head, and also in high school I was sexually harrassed by a guy. I was afraid to death of seeing him and afraid to go to school, I felt lowly, depressed because of what was happening. I didnt like it, but I am sure if I was attracted to the guy than I would like it.

Weird that that guy who did all those things to me is GAY now. seriously. How the hell does that make any sense?

I bet if the fantasies features a man that the woman is attracted too, ALL women could have rape fantasies.

Your post really opened up my eyes and makes me understand a bit more. Thank you very much for answering the questions, as I am sure it was hard for you.

[italianguy]

Originally Posted by ChiTownHoney

Your post really opened up my eyes and makes me understand a bit more. Thank you very much for answering the questions, as I am sure it was hard for you.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO You made a vanilla out of her.

[touriquet2001]

Originally Posted by italianguy

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO You made a vanilla out of her.

i don't find cryptic's sharing her experience funny . that was really uncalled for . you really are clueless , aren't you ?

[JohnnyReb]

Originally Posted by touriquet2001

i don't find cryptic's sharing her experience funny . that was really uncalled for . you really are clueless , aren't you ?

Yes, yes he is!

[ChiTownHoney]

No it hasnt...I will always want it probably untill I get it and wish I hadnt gotten it.

Sad to say.

There may be some deep reason why I do want it, and think I will have to have intensive therapy before I can find out what that is.