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Old 10-06-2009, 12:58 PM   #61
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A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.
The teacher held up a picture of a cat.
"What animal is this?" she asked.
"A cat!" said Little Johnny.
"Good job! Now, what is this animal?"
"A dog!" said Little Johnny.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a
Deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,
"It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny ba*tard," called out Little Johnny.
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Old 10-09-2009, 01:35 PM   #62
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Action man!!!


Jon was looking for a little "action."

He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room.

Little did he know that she was darn near a nymphomaniac.

After six times having sex, she was screaming for more.

After the eighth time, Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out, he stopped into the men's room.

He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find his tool.

After a couple of minutes fishing around, he finally said, "Look, it's okay. She's not here!"
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Old 10-10-2009, 12:34 AM   #63
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Newland View Post
What's doing a blonde on a supermarket floor?
Looking for low prices...
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Old 10-10-2009, 02:18 PM   #64
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There is a truck driver driving along, and he stops and picks up a priest to give him a ride. He's driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and things, ''Hot damn! A lawyer that I could run over!'' So he speeds up and heads straight for him. At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves real quick to miss, him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer. He says to the priest ''Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer!'' The priest then replies ''That's ok son, I got him with my door.''
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Old 10-12-2009, 04:41 AM   #65
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A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not
communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store
thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into
specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he
notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs
onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy
is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot.
I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots.
If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he
comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes
home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in
and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?"
The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman
came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed
her right on the lips."
The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He
did??!"
The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking
on her breasts."
The guy says "My God, what happened next???!!!"
The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
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Old 10-12-2009, 04:44 AM   #66
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A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
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Old 10-12-2009, 04:45 AM   #67
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Dave watched his flat chested wife try on her new bra.
"What do you want a bra for? You've got nothing to put in them", he smirked.
"I don't complain when you buy underpants she replied.
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Old 10-12-2009, 04:48 AM   #68
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Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

"A hundred dollars."

"Damn. All I've got is thirty."

"Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

"A handjob," Harry replies.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"
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Old 10-12-2009, 04:49 AM   #69
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Everyday Dan would come home and slap his wife on the ass and say,
"Best Butt, best butt".
This continued day after day. So as a surprise for her husband she went to the tattoo parlor.
Can you tattoo "Best Butt" on my ass?
After hearing the price and having little money she could only afford to put a "B" on each cheek.
"That's good enough, that'll do".
The next day her husband came home and she flipped up her skirt and revealed her surprise...
"Who the hell is Bob?”
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Old 10-16-2009, 03:36 AM   #70
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A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass."
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Old 10-19-2009, 12:40 AM   #71
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Old 10-23-2009, 12:25 AM   #72
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A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Magic Penis!'
The husband said, 'The what?'
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.' The penis shot to her vagina.
It was absolutely incredible.
After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her licence, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink constable.
You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my vagina and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right.... Magic Penis, my a$$....!'

The rest, as they say, is history...
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Old 10-23-2009, 01:43 AM   #73
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A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock
on the door of a house and the man who answers it
says, "Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you
supposed to be?"
"We're Jack and Jill" she replied.
The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're
black!" So, they go off and a whilelater they come back dressed differently. They ring
the door bell and once again and the man opens the
door. "Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you
this time?" "We're Hansel and Gretel" says the boy.
"Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be
Hansel and Gretel because
you're black!" Once again they leave. Not too much
later the man hears
the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door
there stands the two children but this time they are
BUCK NAKED."Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be
now?!" he asks.
"Chocolate M &M's," said the little girl.
"I'm plain. He's got nuts."
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Old 10-23-2009, 01:43 AM   #74
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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked,"What the heck is going on?"

The drunk, still staring down, replied:"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."
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Old 10-23-2009, 01:44 AM   #75
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An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out.

The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!" She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."

Where upon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker.

The old woman says, you're going out like that?" and he replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a d*ck-tator."
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Old 10-23-2009, 01:46 AM   #76
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Swank Halloween Party


A couple were invited to a swank Halloween party, so the wife
bought costumes for both of them. On the night of the party, she
developed a terrible headache and told her husband that he should
go without her. He protested, but she said all she was going to do
was take a couple of aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need
for him to waste his time by not going to the party. So he put on
his costume and off he went.

The wife, after sleeping for about an hour, awoke without a sign
of pain and as it was only a little after nine, she decided to go
to the party. As long as she knew the costume her husband was
wearing but he didn't know the one she was wearing, she decided to
slip into the party and observe how he acted when she wasn't
around.

This she did, and as soon as she joined the party the first one
she spotted was her husband, prancing around on the dance floor
with one slick chick and then another, stealing a little feel here
and there, so the wife slid up to him, and being a rather seductive
babe herself, he left his dance partner standing and devoted his
attention to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally,
and when he whispered a little proposition in her ear, she agreed
and they went to the parking lot and got in one of the cars and let
nature take its course.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home
and got into bed wondering what kind of explanation her husband
would give her about the time he had at the party. He arrived home
about 1:30am and went directly up to the bedroom to see how she was
feeling. She was sitting up in bed reading and asked, "what kind of
time did you have?" He said, "Well, I'll tell you, I never danced
a dance. When I got there Pete Jones, Bill Brown and some other
guys were stag, too, so we just sat back in the den playing poker
all night, but I'll tell you one thing, the guy I loaned my costume
to sure had a good time."
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Old 10-23-2009, 01:48 AM   #77
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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood
and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began pestering
him about where he got it.

He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of
bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest
full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around
him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
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Old 10-23-2009, 01:49 AM   #78
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Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.
He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has".
Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel
hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on
top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce
of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."


So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
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Last edited by collesfracture; 10-23-2009 at 01:54 AM.
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Old 10-23-2009, 01:54 AM   #79
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