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Old 10-03-2009, 01:59 AM   #21
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True Sternenlied..Thanks for ur reply..Cheers
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Old 10-03-2009, 03:19 AM   #22
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Q: What’s the worst thing about rising unemployment?
A: It gets harder to have sex with your girlfriend with her husband home all the time.
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Old 10-03-2009, 03:19 AM   #23
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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are all together talking about how much their lives sucked. The cucumber says "Boy my life sucks, whenever I get big, fat, and juicy they cut me up and put me on a salad." The pickle then says "You think you have it bad, every time I get big, fat, and juicy they put me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar." The penis then says to them both, "You think you have it rough, every time I get big, fat, and juicy they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I puke all over myself and pass out."
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Old 10-03-2009, 03:20 AM   #24
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The Fair Competition


Two simple-minded men stopped for a meal at a motorway cafe and discovered it was running a special competition.

If you picked the correct number from that day’s menu, you won a session of free sex.

“Come on Jake, let’s have a go!” urged Dan.

“I’ll have number 14, the tomato soup,” said Dan, “and my mate will have number 5, egg and chips.”

The waiter took down the order and looked at their expectant faces.

“I’m sorry,” he said shaking his head, “you’ve picked the wrong numbers.”

During the following two weeks, the men went back on six occasions but failed every time to pick the winner.

“I think this whole competition is a fake!” complained Jake on his seventh try.

“Oh no,” replied Dan, “it’s on the level. My wife won twice last week.”
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Old 10-03-2009, 03:20 AM   #25
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Oh My God!!!

Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash.
The pilot says "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them"
The lawyer says "Fuck the Boy Scouts!"
The priest says, "Do we have time?"
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Old 10-03-2009, 03:21 AM   #26
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Biting Back!!!

One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.
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Old 10-03-2009, 03:21 AM   #27
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An Interrupted Journey!!

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and sneaked him on board the airplane.
About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering. "Are you okay, sir?" asked the stewardess
"Yes, I'm fine," said the man.
Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again. "Are you sure you're alright sir?"
"Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."
"What's wrong?" asked the stewardess. "Is he not house trained?"
"No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!"
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Old 10-03-2009, 03:22 AM   #28
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What a Meal!!!

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"
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Old 10-03-2009, 03:23 AM   #29
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What a Test!!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
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Old 10-03-2009, 03:24 AM   #30
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The Anniversary


An old couple were celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary in the diner where they had their first date.

The wife says to her husband "do you remember when we came here all those years ago?"

"Yes" he relpies "and we went out to the alley way and had sex."

"Yes" she says "do you want to do it again?"

"O.K." he replies so they finish their meal and go out round the back of the diner.

He pushes her against the fence and lifts her skirt up and starts going at it like a wild one. A young man stops to watch. He is amazed to see how the old man can still go for it at his age. After 45 mins they finish and the wife returns to the diner.

The young man says, "How did you keep it goin for 45 minutes at your age? I hope I can do that when I am 80!"

"Well" says the old man, "50 years ago that fence wasn't electrified!
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Old 10-03-2009, 03:24 AM   #31
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James The Footman

Lady Snookes rang the bell to summon the footman to her bedroom.

“James, take off my dress.” The footman did so.

“James, take off my bra.” Again, the footman did as he was asked.

“James, take off my, ahem, underthings.” James duly complied.

“And now, James, if I ever find you wearing any of my clothes again, you shall be instantly dismissed!”
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Old 10-03-2009, 03:25 AM   #32
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There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, 'Children are a gift from God,' he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear raincoats.'

And the congregation said, 'Amen !
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Old 10-03-2009, 03:25 AM   #33
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Terryies


A woman walks into the benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?

'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children names.'

'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'

'OK, and who's next?'

'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'

Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!'

An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'I call them by their surnames!'
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Old 10-03-2009, 03:26 AM   #34
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Plot Of A Horny Husband

A husband feeling a bit horny goes to the bathroom and returns with 4 aspirin and a glass of water for his wife.
He says, "Here honey, here are some aspirin and a some water."
She replied, "but honey I do not have a headache!"
He replied, "Thank God!"
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Old 10-03-2009, 03:27 AM   #35
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Optimistic Wishing!!!

A family are driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.
The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."
The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfil his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.
The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area. The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.
Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.
The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"
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Old 10-03-2009, 03:27 AM   #36
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A Lesson Well Learnt!!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day. The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming.
After a few seconds he rose and said, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed "Damn you Indians are smart, how the hell did you know there were buffaloes coming?"
Tonto replied, "Face sticky."
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Old 10-03-2009, 03:28 AM   #37
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Sometimes the bull wins


A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning... A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After inspecting his platter and then tasting it, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you served yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

I know Senor...Sometimes the bull wins.
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Old 10-03-2009, 01:28 PM   #38
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Customer Care in 2025

Operator:"Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have
your..."

Customer:"Heloo, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number
first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold........ ..
on......88986135610 2049998-45- 54610"

Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're
calling from 24, shivaji park, dadar. Your home number
is 6745 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile
is 9892347854. Which number are you calling from now
Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?


Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer:"How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you
have high blood
pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer:"What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll
like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular
Hokkien Dishes" from
the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size
ones then, how much
will that cost?"

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of
10, Sir. The total
is $49.9! 9"

Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir.
Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your
bank Rs 37,720.55 since October last year. That's not
including the late payment charges on your housing
loan, Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood
ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you'
ve reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal
today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have
the cash ready.
How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't
wait you can always come and collect it on your
motorcycle.. ."

Customer: " What!"

Operator : "According to the details in system ,you
own a
Scooter,...registra tion number 1123..."

Customer: " ????"

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer:"Nothing.! .. by the way... aren't you giving
me that 3 free
bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your
records you're also

diabetic.... ... "

Customer: You #$$ ^%

Operator "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on
15th July 1987 you
were convicted of using abusive language on a
policeman... ?"
Customer: [Faints...]
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Old 10-03-2009, 02:34 PM   #39
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Hey, They are really good ones!
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Old 10-03-2009, 03:29 PM   #40
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Good ones buddy.

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