Just for laughs!!

[touriquet2001]

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies,
and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy.
The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."

At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus,
pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger?"

[touriquet2001]

Telemarket Repellant

1 If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.


2 Say "no" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.


3 If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"


4 If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout..."


5 If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"


6 Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.


7 Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"


8 Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .


9 When the salesperson asks, "Is this the homeowner?" say, "Is this the salesperson?" And when they say, "Yes," hang up.


10 Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their home phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

[touriquet2001]

From Cradle To Ladle

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom.

Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.

Dewey Cheatem and Howe (attorneys at law specialists in fraud)
Dewey Cheatem and Goode (new partner)

Binder Stripper and Raper (intimidations specialists)

[touriquet2001]

IF snow white was real .....

[thebarber69]

Must be PMS day touriquet...

I thought it was We Fuckem and How (Lawyers for the cause)

[thebarber69]

Ok, ok, here goes with some of my favorite cartoons.

[thebarber69]

Come on folks, geesh make me feel like I post and the thread dies...get those jokes out and put em up!!

[touriquet2001]

George Carlin Imponderables



1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,

does he become disoriented?



2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from

Holland called Holes?



3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?



4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?



5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?



6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?



7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put
your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?



8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?



9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
bread to begin with?



10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?



11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who drives a race car not called a racist?



12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?



13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?



14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?



15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language.

Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?



16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?



17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?



18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?



19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?




20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for
their final exam.



21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?
Toothpicks?



22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while
they deliver the mail?



23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly
arethe others here for?



24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.



25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.




26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?



27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went nuts.



28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?



29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

[touriquet2001]

Makin' Babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should
be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come
to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you, " Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of
babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor
is fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it.", Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing
to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your,
um..equipment ?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work."
"Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

[touriquet2001]

Breaking News
Irish Suspend Practice

South Bend, Indiana:

Notre Dame football practice was delayed this morning
for nearly two hours. One of the players, while on
the way to the locker room happened to look down and
notice a suspicious looking,
unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.
Head Coach Charlie Weis immediately suspended practice
while the FBI was called in to investigate.

After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined
that the white substance unknown to the players was
actually the goal line. Practiced resumed when FBI
Special Agents decided that the team was not likely to
encounter the substance again .

[touriquet2001]

I CAN HEAR YOU LAUGHING!

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge, A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"

You're laughing aren't you...I know you are!!!

[touriquet2001]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he
started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.




'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

Oh , yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope.........just when it's raining.

[touriquet2001]

(some new/some old/all cute)

LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole !'


GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence , 'I think I'd throw up. '


DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?'
'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'


HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out, ' Aces!'

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decid ed to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'

BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?'
The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'

TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
;'Yes, sir,' the boy replied.
'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked.
'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer,' said his Mother.
'I don't need to,' the boy replied.
'Of course you do,' his Mother insisted.'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
'But this is grandma's house,' said Johnny. 'And she knows how to cook.

[touriquet2001]

IRISH BIRTH CONTROL





Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

[touriquet2001]

The Thai Girlfriend

(I have a feeling only women will find this really funny...)

A man's in bed with his Thai girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

She replies: 'Because . . . I really miss mine!'.

[touriquet2001]

Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away." Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They 're for the other side of the house.

[touriquet2001]

Kids Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
________________________________ ____________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to , my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[touriquet2001]

This guy is so talented!



What do you do when you find a dirty car?



(a) Write WASH ME?'

(b) Do a pretty drawing?



THIS is SCOTT WADE.

Check out what he does with the dirty cars by carefully and artfully

removing portions of the dirt. According to his website, he lives

real close to a dirt road in San Marcos , Texas....

[touriquet2001]

itchy Old Lady


One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch.



She told the doctor her problem and he said, 'You have the crabs.'

She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin.


She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him.

The doctor said,

'You probably have the crabs'





'No' she said, 'I am an eighty year old virgin.'

Frustrated, she went to a third doctor.


She said, 'Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It can not be the crabs.'


The doctor sai d,

'Get on the table and let's have a look.'

After examining, the doctor proclaimed,

'Ma'am, your right, you do not have the crabs.'
























'This cherry is sooooo old, you have fruit flies.'