Just for laughs!!

[touriquet2001]

[touriquet2001]

THIS IS WHAT SAD LOOKS LIKE


THIS IS WHAT SORRY LOOKS LIKE


This is what bad spelling looks like


This is what deaf looks like


This is what stupid looks like


This is what "OOPS" looks like

[touriquet2001]

This is what your tax dollars look like


This is what McBurndt looks like


This is what "I can wait" looks like


This is what a Nightmare looks like


THIS IS JUST PLAIN GOING TO HURT


This is what a blonde's car looks like


This is what "I thought your husband was out of town" looks like


thank you baby for these and everything else

[touriquet2001]

WOMEN'S REVENGE"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet,I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cottonballs and a ball of string o n the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this,yesterday, I sent my wife to the s! toreto get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobaccoand some rollingpapers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .........."HEBREWS"

The Silent TreatmentA man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM."He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only y to discover it was 9:00 AMand he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go andsee why his wife hadn't wakened him,when he noticed a piece of paper bythe bed.The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[touriquet2001]

I'm tired of getting Inspirational Poems & messages seemingly written by God's Secertary....And ADS..PROMOS...E-Mail Blast asking me If I want to add Inches to the ole Trouser Snake......and exactly WHY would I Want to Fuck..non-stop...for 4 hours!
I appreciate E-mails like this one.
one ones with RETARDS playing with sharp objects...or hey
Nakid girls playing with Retards!..
anyhoooo
Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of
the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


Only in America ......do people order
double cheeseburgers, large fries, anda diet coke.



Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.



Only in America ......do we leave cars
worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.


Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.


Only in America ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.


Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments whenthey are all stuck together?If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe,
why do they call the airport the terminal? Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to
(maybe even a chuckle)...
in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

[touriquet2001]

from baby again . thank you for allowing me to share these

RESTROOM SIGNS


Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men
Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE







Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC







If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC







Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO







No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC







At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ







It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ







Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT







If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York , New York .







If pro is opposite of con,then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC







Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ







You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA







No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA




~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~






A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX

[touriquet2001]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________


OFFICE ARITHMETIC


Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________


SHOPPING MATH


A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________


HAPPINESS


To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

______________________________


LONGEVITY


Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

______________________________


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE


A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[touriquet2001]

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.


Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.


And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.


3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.


4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.


5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.


6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer . . .$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)


7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.


8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.'


9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, anddemanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. (*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER)


10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

[touriquet2001]

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.

This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of th e time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2008, the penis will now be taxed according to size:

The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12" Luxury Tax $300.00
8 - 10" Pole Tax $250.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $150.00
3 - 5 " Nuisance Tax $30.00

Males exceeding
12" must file capital gains.

Anyone under 4"
is eligible for a tax refund.

PLEASE DO NOT
ASK FOR AN EXTENSION

[touriquet2001]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
(or the uncertainty of the English language)

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?
"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
------------ ---------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
------------ ---------
" Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
------------ ---------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids".
------------ ---------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you".
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
------------ ---------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
------------ ---------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
-- ---------- ---------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?!
What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
------------ ---------
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
-- ---------- ---------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter- word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS"
------------ ---------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
He's still in intensive care.

[touriquet2001]

Thought for the Day



Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or hump it......
Piss on it and walk away..!!!!

[touriquet2001]

[touriquet2001]

[touriquet2001]

Hardest part of being a seeing eye dog!

[touriquet2001]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN....

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her
students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I
wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
"fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten
buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried.

[touriquet2001]

Little Johnny is at it again !!!!


Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'

* * * * * * * * * * *

[sindyloo]

Thanks for those Touri....lots of good laughs Needed them a lot today!

Take care have a nice week!

[z0di4c]

terrific

[Wiz]

I never realized that it was an acronym .... before now

Originally Posted by Wiz

I never realized that it was an acronym .... before now

Hey WIZ, she's hot. Is she yours?