Why the secrecy?

[Abby]

Originally Posted by Molly Girl

I'm pretty open about my sex life and what I want in bed, but as FR says it's a case of choosing who I reveal that to, there's no point telling my parents for example as I'm pretty sure they'd be horrified and disgusted as would a few of my friends, although the majority know and it's caused more than a few problems as they see my ex husband as some sort of wife beater rather than a Dom and Sadist, and me as a victim of abuse rather than a sub who enjoys being flogged and raped whenever he chooses.

They don't understand and that is fine, what is annoying is they believe they do and get completely the wrong idea.

I've had this problem as well. This is why I don't share much with my vanilla friends. Which I get. To people on the outside looking in, it looks like abuse. They can't wrap their head around the fact that I enjoy it. It's an element to a relationship that I actively sought out. For someone who doesn't enjoy that type of thing, I'm sure the mere thought of it is scary.

I enjoy giving away that control. I enjoy being being spanked and smacked across the face. I enjoy having my ass black and blue. I enjoy getting to say no and put up a fight. I enjoy being grabbed by the hair, dragged to the bedroom while begging and pleading and being used so roughly that I'm sore for days after. But I can also revoke that consent at any point, for any reason. Which I don't think a lot of people understand.

While I'm very understanding and accepting of others play, there is stuff out there that I don't get. There is a couple in my community that I consider their play so extreme that I don't understand what each person gets out of it. The girl is chained up at all times at home. She can move about the room and get to a restroom, but that's it. She can't use a computer, work, talk on the phone, go outside. At events she is restricted to do anything without permission. I've actually never heard her speak. She sleeps in a dog cage. She doesn't do house work. Doesn't work. Her sole purpose is to please her master whenever he should want it. I keep having to remind myself that she consents to that. I tend to think of her as abused. It seems like a very lonely and boring way to live. But that makes her happy, so I do my best not to judge.

[Molly Girl]

I completely agree with you Abby, when the subject came up amongst my friends of course they were keen to know if my ex really was as the rumours had painted him as, no matter how hard I tried to explain that I enjoyed it, wanted it, needed it, craved it, they were adamant that it was just abuse - after all " What man gets satisfaction from beating his wife? " was the question asked.

Your point about consent is a key point, at anytime I could say that I didn't want whatever he chose to do to me and the play would immediately stop, not that it ever came to that point, he became so aware of my needs and my body he knew them better than I did, but to outsiders looking in I was some poor downtrodden wife who was beaten and sexually abused.

It is very difficult to explain to others outside of the community that not only did he gain enjoyment from it but I did as well, handing over the control to him to subject me to a punishment he felt was suitable for a misdemeanour, to be raped when he wanted, to be kept naked as his slave if he chose, they were all things we both got enormous sexual satisfaction from.

[Dangerdevil]

The terms are what I think the crux here - there's a difference between BDSM behaviors and wifebeating. One is a consensual thing with the "victim" not only consenting but actually encouraging it because it's a part of what turns him or her on - with the Dom doing it out of love and/or arousal, but always with the welfare of his partner in mind. The other is a douchebag who gets off on inflicting pain and others so that he can feel good about himself. Trying to explain that however is like trying to explain the tax code - people get a blank look on their faces and tend to tune you out.

[johnmzzx]

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