How do you tell someone? - Rape Board

ChiTownHoney · 11-21-2006, 11:25 PM

How do you explain to your boyfriend/girlfriend that you have rape fantasies and want to act them out?

I image that its harder for a guy to tell his girlfriend because she might get scared that you are a real rapist.

Do you even tell them or just kinda go with the flow when you are having sex and see what their reactions are?

gaggirl · 11-21-2006, 11:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChiTownHoney

How do you explain to your boyfriend/girlfriend that you have rape fantasies and want to act them out?

I image that its harder for a guy to tell his girlfriend because she might get scared that you are a real rapist.

Do you even tell them or just kinda go with the flow when you are having sex and see what their reactions are?

Like a bandaid baby- just do it!

Maybe because Iidentified with it so young that as I developed sexually, such topics were always something that came up fairly early in relationships. for a man yes Id imagine it must be alot harder.

TheOpportunist · 11-22-2006, 12:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChiTownHoney

How do you explain to your boyfriend/girlfriend that you have rape fantasies and want to act them out?

You don't.

Quote:

I image that its harder for a guy to tell his girlfriend because she might get scared that you are a real rapist.

Definately. So don't.

Quote:

Do you even tell them

Nope.

Generic · 11-22-2006, 12:29 AM

You don't.

I don't think I'd ever tell my woman... She wouldn't understand or take it well.

TheOpportunist · 11-22-2006, 12:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Generic

You don't.

I don't think I'd ever tell my woman... She wouldn't understand or take it well.

Mine didn't.

Pandoras_Atrophy · 11-22-2006, 01:12 AM

I dont know...I'm married to mine now, but he knew about my fantasies when we were dating. He knows I like sex in my violence and he seemed to enjoy it, so as we both became more trusting of eachother, the more we'd exchange fantasies. It actually became something of a game. We'd leave eachother dirty little notes or write it on the mirror in eyeliner,just saying things we wanted to do and then we started actually playing them out. Now it's great because he randomly attacks me just because we both enjoy it. ~*shrug*~ Thats how it worked out for me. I dont know how open minded the person you want to tell is.

gaggirl · 11-22-2006, 01:29 AM

yeahhhh... Gosh..

I just couldnt imagine being in a relationship where I cant tell my partner absolutely anything and everything, I would want to know before Igot stuck with someone if Id have some hope of feeling truly loved and accepted.
Id rather know that they cant accept me and be done with them now, than find out 7 years later that they cant accept me for who I am and then Ive wasted 7 good years to find someone who can

Getting married can be a beautiful blessing or a life sentence!!! gotta be careful who you pick, make sure you dont end up feeling... frustrated

It would be like having this big secret with noone to share it with.. and craving day after day after day with no releif in site.. *hell on earth*

day after day after day...

evilthought · 11-22-2006, 02:48 AM

Ok, we all know some partners freak out about this. Been there. Yuck. But here is the deal.

If you are a woman hesitant to tell your man, do it like this: Just find a way to tell him about some situation, scene or story you've heard about. Something involving rape. Maybe a section in some book you've supposedly read. He'll never read your romance novels to check, so feel free to lie. You tell him it made you hot and you thought about him. If you are very hesitant to tell him the truth, tell him it was a pirate scene in a historical romance where the maiden got raped by the sexy sailor and all you could think about was him and it made you hot. You will be able to tell everything from his reaction if you can read it right. If he gets turned on, go on telling him about it and playfully suggest that "just for a moment" you thought it would be incredibly hot if you played it out. If you're still not sure if he is turned on by raping you, keep it in the pirate theme. If he's grossed out by the whole idea, you can always put an eye patch on him and fake orgasm.

He might try to hide his own rape fantasies. Odds are he's probably thought about raping not only you, but your sisters and all of your hot friends too. But he wont want to admit it. Not yet.

So you draw him into the pirate role play, and along the way you tell him that you really want to make it real -- like you were actually being brutalized by the pirate sailor in the book. (It doesn't matter that you never read such a book.)

Either he gets the point and gets into it, or you just have to accept that it's not for him. But it's a perfectly safe way to set up that kind of conversation with a boyfriend.

Remember: You got really turned on by the fictional rape scene AND thought of your man. Thinking of your man gives you the excuse to tell him something like how you got off like crazy masturbating about it. I wouldn't need that kind of ego stroke, but tons of guys do.

Key point is not to tell him right out front that you fantasize about being raped. You tell him about how you got extremely hot thinking about HIM and a very specific scenario. Pirate scene is so easy to understand for its obvious rape sexuality that it's probably best. Some trashy book is best because he'll never read it and can't order the DVD from netflix.

Do it like this and you can tell him how turned you got as though it was a big surprise TO YOU. That way if he freaks out you can quickly dismiss it. Knowing this you really don't have to worry about bring it up. And if he does get into it, you can pretend that you never thought of it until you went out with him. Most guys will love that illusion.

I had a girlfriend a long time ago who was into college feminism and I kept my rape kink very, very hidden. One day she told me about how one of her Women's Studies texts had graphic "survivor" stories about rape. I was defensive. She told me how she'd been turned on reading on and read it to me. I tried to pretend that it didn't interest me even though I was going crazy inside. I made like it grossed me out until she started reaching down and grabbing my cock. If she hadn't been that forward, I would have kept my act till doomsday. (at that time I didn't quite understand how many women get turned on by it just as much as me)

That's why the "historical romance book" pirate scene is perfect. It's so removed from reality that a guy can let his guard down and allow you to see that it makes him hot. Once you explore pirate rape, every other kind of rape fantasy is just a step away. An easy step.

Sternenlied · 11-22-2006, 08:59 AM

Well, I agree it might be a rather difficult thing to bring up, but I still prefer the straight way.
I have to admit though, a guy is more likely to be turned on by a rape scenario that a woman might be. At least that's what my studies turned up with as a result.
I can't deny I freaked out some guys when I brought it up, so I take my time, but a subtle but simple way worked fine for me:
When you're comfortable enough with your guy, you might just leave your handcuffs (or whatever you prefer) hanging on your bedpost. He might not immediately ask you about it, but there's no way around it, guys are just too curious about stuff like that.
Another possibility (more risk for humiliation, still) is jumping directly into a play when he comes home unsuspecting. Tie yourself to the bed, a chair, whatever - and tell him you're a helpless woman for your man to do whatever he wants or something like that. Blindfolding also workes fine in addition (but make sure he's the only one with a key or his mother might have the day of her life ...

). Giving a blowjob tied (and maybe blindfolded) could also take you into the right direction.
You might also rent a movie you know has a rape scene in it and get turned out watching it with him, telling him you like to have a strong man, someone who is in control and takes his girl, you know what a guy likes to hear ...

As how to do it as a guy: You might just start going into it when you're having sex. Try holding her hands above her head, behind her back, take small steps.
You might also feel you're girlfriend is one to be very open about talking about sexual preferences, so you might just tell her.
The movie way might also work, but be very careful. If she's not into rape stuff and you get turned on by a rape scene this might go off right in your face...
I noticed many guys and girls like it (at least to some degree, maybe not to the extend I (or you) do. I generelly prefer a guy to give me the straight dope, so I always tell my boyfriends to be honest with me and tell me about their likes and dislikes. This way however may take the most time for something like that to come up and be accepted.

There's always the chance for your partner being disgusted by whatever it is you might propose, but I think you can't be happy without having to chance to live out your fantasies, so I would never keep it to myself but always give it a shot.

Joanna · 11-22-2006, 05:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChiTownHoney

How do you explain to your boyfriend/girlfriend that you have rape fantasies and want to act them out?

I image that its harder for a guy to tell his girlfriend because she might get scared that you are a real rapist.

Do you even tell them or just kinda go with the flow when you are having sex and see what their reactions are?

I guess thats going to depend on your levels of communication and understanding and your level of like minded intelectual capacity.

I can imagine that a lot of times telling a partner about that can lead to the end of a relationship especially in the cases of a male telling his female partner that he fantasises about being a rape perp.
for women into the fantasy you could just start talking about the whole rape fantasy concept in a remote casual non comitted way like saying how common it is just feel out his feelings about the concept in general before asking him to do anything.

bruisedelbows · 11-23-2006, 04:25 AM

I had a girlfriend once who liked to be slapped, spanked, tied up, insulted, and ordered around. Still I never told her that I was into rape fantasy, and we never really played it out that way. But I'm 99.999% sure she would have been into it. If I were you, girls, I'd see if he "likes it rough" etc. and then if he does, just be honest, because there are some guys like me who just need to be told things outright.

Error Nomad · 11-23-2006, 10:30 PM

That's a hard one (so to speak). My fiancee and I were together a year and a half before we figured it out. We would both get uncomfortable at rape scenes in movies, avoided the topic of porn, etc. I think the turnaround was when we bought a video camera and started filming ourselves. Somehow that triggered the 'fantasy' button, and it started to come up in conversation. She would watch me play video games like "Pirates" or "RomeTW" and when I sacked a city, she would start to wonder aloud about the outcome for the inhabitants. Not long after, while in a somewhat altered state, she asked me if I ever fantasized about it.

Why, yes. Yes I do. And you dear?

37 gigs of porn review and one very long weekend later life had taken a turn for the better. Once we recovered.

This opened up vast vistas of joy, in addition to overcoming one of the most stressful aspects of the relationship; trying to keep it secret from eachother.

Shortly afterwards we discovered we both like swinging, and madness ensued.

So I'd say that sometimes telling your mate is the right thing to do. But I'll say that for 96% of the time leading up to the actual conversation, I would have believed that had she found out I would have been fired on the spot. And she believed that I would have thought her a freak and run screaming. So guessing whether or not the other person is into it is.... challenging.

Oddly enough, since we started doing this sort of thing in RP and swinging, we've found that several of the people (male and female) who we were individually or jointing interested in, are also into it. They're usually just surprised when we bring it up. We usually do so obliquely, maybe referring to S&M and seeing how they react, but it doesn't take long and we've learned when to wave off. It's still a little uncomfortable, because you don't want to freak out your friend or have the bouncer called out, but it gets easier.

I think being with someone (or having the experience of being with someone) who was also into RFRP makes it easier to talk about, since you know that you're not the only one, and at least potentially liked the other.

So I'd say if you're with someone and trust them overall, give it a shot. Try something like light bondage to ask about, and follow the rabbit hole to see where it goes.

EN

mythcerberus · 11-24-2006, 07:51 AM

I personally think its more advantageous to slowly build to that kind of event. Possibly start by introducing smalller elements of the full "playrape" such as the tying, the slight slapping etc. Everything should have a starting point. I beleive if you use small incements and increase indesire and intensity the whole idea won't be shot down when you bring it up. Happy hunting.

PravusLibertum · 11-24-2006, 10:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gaggirl

for a man yes Id imagine it must be alot harder.

Hell yeah it is!

Female: Hot, delightfully unhinged, somewhat mysterious.
Male: Sick, twisted, has PROBABLY gone out and done it to many unsuspecting women before.

I was really lucky in that situation with my girlfriend, because she brought it up herself. I had been friends with her for almost a year beforehand, and it's the only thing that I didn't know about her. We were talking at one point last week, and she said she was very interested in it. I was trying to be casual and everything, but I was so relieved.

It's one of the hardest things you can ever tell someone, as a man. Society dictates that due to the overwhelming majority of sexual attacks are by men, it just seems that it's less accepted as a general rule.

11-21-2006, 11:25 PM	#1
ChiTownHoney Pa'l Mundo Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: ObamaNation Posts: 2,460 Reputation: 33436	How do you tell someone? How do you explain to your boyfriend/girlfriend that you have rape fantasies and want to act them out? I image that its harder for a guy to tell his girlfriend because she might get scared that you are a real rapist. Do you even tell them or just kinda go with the flow when you are having sex and see what their reactions are?

11-22-2006, 01:12 AM	#6
Pandoras_Atrophy Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 5 Reputation: 18	I dont know...I'm married to mine now, but he knew about my fantasies when we were dating. He knows I like sex in my violence and he seemed to enjoy it, so as we both became more trusting of eachother, the more we'd exchange fantasies. It actually became something of a game. We'd leave eachother dirty little notes or write it on the mirror in eyeliner,just saying things we wanted to do and then we started actually playing them out. Now it's great because he randomly attacks me just because we both enjoy it. ~shrug~ Thats how it worked out for me. I dont know how open minded the person you want to tell is. __________________ *A little pain never hurt anyone. Now shut the fuck up and learn to take it and like it...It's going to be a long night.*

11-22-2006, 08:59 AM	#9
Sternenlied Unknown Entity Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Niflheim Posts: 2,427 Reputation: 77819	Well, I agree it might be a rather difficult thing to bring up, but I still prefer the straight way. I have to admit though, a guy is more likely to be turned on by a rape scenario that a woman might be. At least that's what my studies turned up with as a result. I can't deny I freaked out some guys when I brought it up, so I take my time, but a subtle but simple way worked fine for me: When you're comfortable enough with your guy, you might just leave your handcuffs (or whatever you prefer) hanging on your bedpost. He might not immediately ask you about it, but there's no way around it, guys are just too curious about stuff like that. Another possibility (more risk for humiliation, still) is jumping directly into a play when he comes home unsuspecting. Tie yourself to the bed, a chair, whatever - and tell him you're a helpless woman for your man to do whatever he wants or something like that. Blindfolding also workes fine in addition (but make sure he's the only one with a key or his mother might have the day of her life ... ). Giving a blowjob tied (and maybe blindfolded) could also take you into the right direction. You might also rent a movie you know has a rape scene in it and get turned out watching it with him, telling him you like to have a strong man, someone who is in control and takes his girl, you know what a guy likes to hear ... As how to do it as a guy: You might just start going into it when you're having sex. Try holding her hands above her head, behind her back, take small steps. You might also feel you're girlfriend is one to be very open about talking about sexual preferences, so you might just tell her. The movie way might also work, but be very careful. If she's not into rape stuff and you get turned on by a rape scene this might go off right in your face... I noticed many guys and girls like it (at least to some degree, maybe not to the extend I (or you) do. I generelly prefer a guy to give me the straight dope, so I always tell my boyfriends to be honest with me and tell me about their likes and dislikes. This way however may take the most time for something like that to come up and be accepted. There's always the chance for your partner being disgusted by whatever it is you might propose, but I think you can't be happy without having to chance to live out your fantasies, so I would never keep it to myself but always give it a shot. __________________ The Life and Death of Sam Crow - How the Sons of Anarchy lost their way

11-22-2006, 12:29 AM	#4
Generic Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 21 Reputation: -585	You don't. I don't think I'd ever tell my woman... She wouldn't understand or take it well.

11-22-2006, 01:29 AM	#7
gaggirl * yawn * Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Australia Posts: 3,058 Reputation: 40178	yeahhhh... Gosh.. I just couldnt imagine being in a relationship where I cant tell my partner absolutely anything and everything, I would want to know before Igot stuck with someone if Id have some hope of feeling truly loved and accepted. Id rather know that they cant accept me and be done with them now, than find out 7 years later that they cant accept me for who I am and then Ive wasted 7 good years to find someone who can Getting married can be a beautiful blessing or a life sentence!!! gotta be careful who you pick, make sure you dont end up feeling... frustrated It would be like having this big secret with noone to share it with.. and craving day after day after day with no releif in site.. hell on earth day after day after day...

11-22-2006, 02:48 AM	#8
evilthought Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 16 Reputation: 52	Ok, we all know some partners freak out about this. Been there. Yuck. But here is the deal. If you are a woman hesitant to tell your man, do it like this: Just find a way to tell him about some situation, scene or story you've heard about. Something involving rape. Maybe a section in some book you've supposedly read. He'll never read your romance novels to check, so feel free to lie. You tell him it made you hot and you thought about him. If you are very hesitant to tell him the truth, tell him it was a pirate scene in a historical romance where the maiden got raped by the sexy sailor and all you could think about was him and it made you hot. You will be able to tell everything from his reaction if you can read it right. If he gets turned on, go on telling him about it and playfully suggest that "just for a moment" you thought it would be incredibly hot if you played it out. If you're still not sure if he is turned on by raping you, keep it in the pirate theme. If he's grossed out by the whole idea, you can always put an eye patch on him and fake orgasm. He might try to hide his own rape fantasies. Odds are he's probably thought about raping not only you, but your sisters and all of your hot friends too. But he wont want to admit it. Not yet. So you draw him into the pirate role play, and along the way you tell him that you really want to make it real -- like you were actually being brutalized by the pirate sailor in the book. (It doesn't matter that you never read such a book.) Either he gets the point and gets into it, or you just have to accept that it's not for him. But it's a perfectly safe way to set up that kind of conversation with a boyfriend. Remember: You got really turned on by the fictional rape scene AND thought of your man. Thinking of your man gives you the excuse to tell him something like how you got off like crazy masturbating about it. I wouldn't need that kind of ego stroke, but tons of guys do. Key point is not to tell him right out front that you fantasize about being raped. You tell him about how you got extremely hot thinking about HIM and a very specific scenario. Pirate scene is so easy to understand for its obvious rape sexuality that it's probably best. Some trashy book is best because he'll never read it and can't order the DVD from netflix. Do it like this and you can tell him how turned you got as though it was a big surprise TO YOU. That way if he freaks out you can quickly dismiss it. Knowing this you really don't have to worry about bring it up. And if he does get into it, you can pretend that you never thought of it until you went out with him. Most guys will love that illusion. I had a girlfriend a long time ago who was into college feminism and I kept my rape kink very, very hidden. One day she told me about how one of her Women's Studies texts had graphic "survivor" stories about rape. I was defensive. She told me how she'd been turned on reading on and read it to me. I tried to pretend that it didn't interest me even though I was going crazy inside. I made like it grossed me out until she started reaching down and grabbing my cock. If she hadn't been that forward, I would have kept my act till doomsday. (at that time I didn't quite understand how many women get turned on by it just as much as me) That's why the "historical romance book" pirate scene is perfect. It's so removed from reality that a guy can let his guard down and allow you to see that it makes him hot. Once you explore pirate rape, every other kind of rape fantasy is just a step away. An easy step.

11-23-2006, 04:25 AM	#11
bruisedelbows Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 150 Reputation: 293	I had a girlfriend once who liked to be slapped, spanked, tied up, insulted, and ordered around. Still I never told her that I was into rape fantasy, and we never really played it out that way. But I'm 99.999% sure she would have been into it. If I were you, girls, I'd see if he "likes it rough" etc. and then if he does, just be honest, because there are some guys like me who just need to be told things outright.

11-23-2006, 10:30 PM	#12
Error Nomad Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 40 Reputation: -10	That's a hard one (so to speak). My fiancee and I were together a year and a half before we figured it out. We would both get uncomfortable at rape scenes in movies, avoided the topic of porn, etc. I think the turnaround was when we bought a video camera and started filming ourselves. Somehow that triggered the 'fantasy' button, and it started to come up in conversation. She would watch me play video games like "Pirates" or "RomeTW" and when I sacked a city, she would start to wonder aloud about the outcome for the inhabitants. Not long after, while in a somewhat altered state, she asked me if I ever fantasized about it. Why, yes. Yes I do. And you dear? 37 gigs of porn review and one very long weekend later life had taken a turn for the better. Once we recovered. This opened up vast vistas of joy, in addition to overcoming one of the most stressful aspects of the relationship; trying to keep it secret from eachother. Shortly afterwards we discovered we both like swinging, and madness ensued. So I'd say that sometimes telling your mate is the right thing to do. But I'll say that for 96% of the time leading up to the actual conversation, I would have believed that had she found out I would have been fired on the spot. And she believed that I would have thought her a freak and run screaming. So guessing whether or not the other person is into it is.... challenging. Oddly enough, since we started doing this sort of thing in RP and swinging, we've found that several of the people (male and female) who we were individually or jointing interested in, are also into it. They're usually just surprised when we bring it up. We usually do so obliquely, maybe referring to S&M and seeing how they react, but it doesn't take long and we've learned when to wave off. It's still a little uncomfortable, because you don't want to freak out your friend or have the bouncer called out, but it gets easier. I think being with someone (or having the experience of being with someone) who was also into RFRP makes it easier to talk about, since you know that you're not the only one, and at least potentially liked the other. So I'd say if you're with someone and trust them overall, give it a shot. Try something like light bondage to ask about, and follow the rabbit hole to see where it goes. EN

11-24-2006, 07:51 AM	#13
mythcerberus Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 2 Reputation: 10	I personally think its more advantageous to slowly build to that kind of event. Possibly start by introducing smalller elements of the full "playrape" such as the tying, the slight slapping etc. Everything should have a starting point. I beleive if you use small incements and increase indesire and intensity the whole idea won't be shot down when you bring it up. Happy hunting.