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Old 10-04-2009, 11:33 AM   #41
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spell Siren View Post
Hey, They are really good ones!
Quote:
Originally Posted by knightlover001 View Post
Good ones buddy.

Thanks a lot guys..
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Old 10-05-2009, 01:20 PM   #42
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A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"
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Old 10-05-2009, 01:24 PM   #43
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Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The Sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

"I'm a cop", says the first man.

"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the Sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a firemen", said the second man.

"Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

And the third man answered, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
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Old 10-05-2009, 01:29 PM   #44
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These three friends, a Dentist, a Carpenter, and an Electrician were sitting
around trying to decide what prank to pull on a mutual friend. Their friend
was getting married soon, and his good buddies just felt compelled to play
some prank, as all good buddies would.
After sitting around brainstorming for a while, the Electrician had a
thought, "I know! I know! I can wire the bed so that when our friend and his
new bride sit on it and touch one another, they'll get a good shock."
The Carpenter perked up and added, "and I can rig the bed so that when they
get shocked and jump apart, the bed will collapse."
The Dentist just sat in silence, because he couldn't think of a thing to do.

After the fortunate couple's wedding and honeymoon, the groom called his
friends together for a chat. He said to them, "Well, when we sat on the bed
and got a shock, it wasn't that bad. And then when we jumped apart and the
bed fell in, we had a good laugh. But who's bright idea was it to put the
Novacaine in the Vaseline?!?! ?!?!?"
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Old 10-05-2009, 01:39 PM   #45
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One day little johnny got into trouble at school and when he came home his dad said that he was not going to let johnny eat or drink anything for the rest of the night.
So little johnny sat up in his room until he could not take the thirst any more and he went over to his mom and dads bedroom door and he tried to ask them through the door but they could not here him so he opens the door and finds his mom under the blankets giving his dad head. Little Johnny only being six he asks what mom is doing under the blankets and he said that they were playing cards. And his dad asks him what he wanted and he said i wanted a drink of water and his dad said he would get him something to drink in a little bit but he had to go back to the room so he did.
Little Johnny waited and waited and then found a new way to entertain himself and his dad walked in with a glass of water and saw johnny's hand under the blanket and asks
'Johnny what the hell are you doing?'
Little Johnny Reply's
"I AM PLAYING CARDS WITH MYSELF AND I SEEM TO HAVE A VERY GOOD HAND"
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Old 10-05-2009, 01:41 PM   #46
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A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself." But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy."

"Shhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard is getting closer."
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Old 10-05-2009, 01:42 PM   #47
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SON: dad, i just had sex for the first time.

DAD: congrats!! (getting two beers out of fridge) any question son?

SON: yeah, how long will my ass pain!!!
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Old 10-05-2009, 01:44 PM   #48
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A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a "genie". But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works". "You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It
looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with
plentiful food and drink."

***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached!
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Old 10-05-2009, 01:45 PM   #49
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Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?" His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, f*** him?"
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Old 10-05-2009, 01:46 PM   #50
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The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day. "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," replied Little Johnny. Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, "With whom?" "With you!" he said. "But Little Johnny," said the teacher gently, "don't you see how silly that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday... but I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," said Little Johnny reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"
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Old 10-05-2009, 01:51 PM   #51
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Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"
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Old 10-05-2009, 02:07 PM   #52
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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
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Old 10-05-2009, 04:08 PM   #53
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Quote:
Originally Posted by collesfracture View Post
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?" His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, f*** him?"

Absolutely wild.
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Old 10-06-2009, 12:10 AM   #54
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A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.

He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot.

He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal.

"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth," it's just ice cream."
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Old 10-06-2009, 12:15 AM   #55
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While riding one day, a cowboy met a RedIndian riding along with a dog and a sheep and began a conversation.

Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' good."

Indian is shocked...

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.

Dog: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He lets me run free twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian has a look of total disbelief.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how are you ?"

Horse: "Good."

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian

Horse: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me under a tree to protect me from the rain."

Indian stares in utter amazement.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: " Sheep is a liar."
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Old 10-06-2009, 08:27 AM   #56
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Little Johnny and Suzy have almost nothing to do one day. All of a sudden, Johnny gets this great idea. "Let`s take turns sliding down the banister rail!" he suggests.
"Oh no," answers Suzy, "That is way too scary."
"No, it is not," says Johnny, "it will be fun!"
And he proceeds to the top of the stairs. The banister rail is long and very smooth with a beautiful big marble ball at its base. Johnny climbs on it and slides down the rail, squealing with excitement as he goes. He jumps off just before he gets to the marble ball at the bottom.
"That was great," he says. "Come on, you try now."
Suzy still is not quite sure that this is such a good idea.
"No," she says, "It looks too scary."
"No, it is not," said Johnny, and away he goes again to the top of the stairs. He climbs on and down he goes again, having just as much fun as he did the first time. He jumps off just before the marble ball at the bottom.
"You gotta try this, it s the best!" urges Johnny.
Well, little Suzy is not one to stay scared for very long and this really does look like fun, so she agrees. To the top of the stairs she goes. She straddles the banister rail, and slowly lets go with her hands. Down she goes, a lot faster than she expected. WHAM! Right into the marble ball at the bottom.
Little Suzy starts to cry and almost falls off the banister rail. When Johnny sees her so upset, crying ever harder and holding her groin where she collided with the marble ball, he gets a little scared that maybe she has really hurt herself.
"Maybe you d better let me see," suggests Little Johnny. So Suzy lifts her little dress and pulls down her panties. Little Johnny`s face goes pale white.
"OH, NO!" he shouts."THIS IS HORRIBLE! YOU KNOCKED IT RIGHT OFF!!"
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Old 10-06-2009, 08:28 AM   #57
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Lesbian joins weightwatchers,teacher says to her "you are what you eat"
lesbian says"are you calling me a cunt"
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Old 10-06-2009, 08:31 AM   #58
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A little kid of 6 sees two dogs humping in the back garden of his house.
"Dad, what are those two dogs doing?" He enquires.
His dad fumbles with a lame explanation. "Well, the doggie on the back has broken his front legs and the other dogies giving him a lift."
The kid looks for a second and replies "Typical that. Try to help someone out and you end up getting ****ed in the a*s."
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Old 10-06-2009, 08:31 AM   #59
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A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it s too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears.
"What is wrong" asks the mother.
"I was having a pee and this bullet came out” replies the daughter.
The mother tells her it`s okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears.
"Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out".
Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.
A week later the boy walks into the room in tears.
"It`s okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came out."
"No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."
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Old 10-06-2009, 12:57 PM   #60
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Mouthful


Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
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