just Dirty JOKEs

[cosanostra]

Vengeance

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

[cosanostra]

"I ain't touching it."

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

[cosanostra]

A blind man..

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and I can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer and I'll order from that." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meat loaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. Mary the cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. The owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him. He tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs into the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir. This time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "I didn't know Mary worked here."

[cosanostra]

Marine in bar with interesting watch

A Marine pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?
He explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well", explains the pilot, "it says you're not wearing any panties...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken, because I am wearing panties!"
The pilot taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

[cosanostra]

Daughter caught using vibrator by parents

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?
The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband! Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"
The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

[Hellcat]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the him and he comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. He does so and she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Well, can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" the woman asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his thick hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman -clearly aroused "is there anything I can do?".
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to lick them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.".

[cosanostra]

I'll do the damn dishes

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape." "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word. "Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence. Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."
__________________

[cosanostra]

a dollars worth of what's what

One day, little Tommy, bored out of his mind, went to his father for suggestions on what to do to pass the time. "I'll tell you what," said the father, "take this dollar and run into town and get me a dollars worth of what's what." Tommy grabbed the dollar, hopped on his bike and rode into town. Once there, he had to decide what store would have the what's what. He stopped in front of the pharmacy and went in. He went to the pharmacist's desk, held up the dollar and said, "I'd like a dollar's worth of what's what, please." The pharmacist knew immediately that the boy was on a wild goose chase and said, "If you go across the street, to the house with the red light on the front porch, they can get you some what's what." Tommy ran across the street and knocked on the front door. A tall, stunning blonde, completely naked, opened the door. Her pussy was right in little Tommy's face. Pointing to it he said, "what's that?" "What's what?" the whore replied. "Good, I'll take a dollar's worth."

[cosanostra]

Whore & chicken Farming

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute.". "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?". "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

[cosanostra]

3 wishes

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said "Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!" Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

[cosanostra]

bet with a little old lady

A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It's a lot of money!" The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The old lady said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's balls in my hand!"

[cosanostra]

69

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain,"I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again" she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy !!!"

[cosanostra]

Little johnny's description of sex

Little Johnny was seven years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from the other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.
Sis and her boyfriend sat down and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her. I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started to look funny. He must of thought so too because he put his hand inside her shirt to feel her heart, just like a doctor would. Except he's not as good as a doctor, because he seemed to have an awful hard time finding her heart.
He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt to warm up. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. Honest! anyway, he grabbed it in one hand and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!
Anyway sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting his head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go..I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissors lock on it. And he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.
After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel.. I knew it was dead because it hung there limp and some of its guts were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats... they have nine lives or something.
This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was really dead this time because I saw Sis boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.
Mother fainted.

[cosanostra]

Some things you just can't explain

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting stewed. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So what happened that is so horrible?"
Farmer: "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."
Man: "That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So then what happened?"
Farmer: "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.
Man: "Again? So, what did you do then?"
Farmer: "I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right."
Man: "And then what?"
Farmer: "I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.
Man: "Wow, you must have been pretty upset!"
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So then what did you do?"
Farmer: "Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

[cosanostra]

New lover from the classifieds


A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She decided to put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED, must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants apply in person.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray haired man sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The woman said: "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted: "You don't have any hands either!"
Again, the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently: "Are you still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile: "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

[cosanostra]

Old Woman In Prostitute Sting Line-up

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
"Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."......... The policeman fainted.

[cosanostra]

Daddy explains dead cat to daughter

Little Lucy found her cat, Tiddles, lying on the ground with its eyes shut, and its legs stiff in the air. "Daddy! What's wrong with Tiddles?"
Daddy gently said, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy."
"But why are his legs sticking up in the air, Daddy?" asked Lucy, as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say, he replied, "Well, ah, Tiddles' legs are pointing up because that makes it easier for Jesus to pick her up and take her back to heaven."
Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles' death pretty well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy almost died this morning!"
"What? What happened, Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well," mumbled Lucy, "this morning I found Mommy lying on the kitchen floor with her legs straight up in the air, shouting,'Oh, Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!' It's a good thing the mailman was holding her down or she'd have gone to heaven!"

[cosanostra]

The brilliant mathematician

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

[cosanostra]

two teenage boys arrested for drugs

Two Teenage boys were picked up for doing drugs. When they went to court the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time. The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month. The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs.
The judge said, "That was great how did you do that?"
The Boy told him, "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison.'"

[cosanostra]

Big guy on elevator

Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs. each, Turner Brown."
Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok??"
In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs., have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."
Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said "Turn Around."