Yes, thank you both for your words. For me, a lot of what hurt were words that were instilled from the time I was three years old, at least. I was sexually abused until I was twelve years of age, and so my brain developed differently, and I had a warped view of who I was. And I was most certainly not at fault, even if I was taught to act sexy, because a seven year old on a bed trying to look sexy is not natural. (Yeah, I even have a picture.) And when you add in the drugged drinks...well, yes, the physical was damaging...very much so, but the words still echo all these years later. Even though I have forgiven him, forgiven them...words still hurt, especially when you can see the intention behind it based on how it is said, the person's profile...
I have been doing a lot of thinking and have concluded that I might be safer elsewhere. To me...and I'm sorry if I offend here...fantasy or not it is still a site that encourages violence against women. And while I know why I have the fantasies...the compulsions...I'm still at a loss, I guess, as to how fantasies are safe here, in a forum like this. It may not be physical, but it is psychological. Some fantasies I can completely understand. Dominating a woman, overpowering her...it is part of our history...man as overlord, conqueror, but ultimately protector (in the ideal sense). But when it becomes about hurting, not caring about her feelings, her safety, or at least the pretense of it, I still can not reconcile.
So I just want to thank those of you who had kind words and wish you all the best. Thank you. And for those who do not mind such words...God bless.
|