deviance
Oh, some years ago...
early teen years....
I then realized I was deviant regarding my sexual desires.
Ever since I first starting dating, I've always had the desire
to subvert my partner's will, to bend her will to my own,
to exert my volition and replace hers with mine.
Then there's just the sadistic demon within, another aspect
of the fantasy entirely - the sublimation of rage through
torture and painletting. That aspect of it must be strictly
controlled - I once found myself about to slice the nipple
off a lover before reason once again took hold. There is a fine,
fine line between silent assent, nonconsent, rape, and torture.
They are all degradations along a spectrum, delineated not
in stone nor sand, but in the desire of the participants.
And I desire to control, not only to control, but to make her
desire as I desire, to make her wish my will to be hers... sexually,
emotionally; mentally. It is a long journey and difficult concept to express.
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