[Hume L. Yates]

The Dick Van Dyke Show.

I might as well get my Laura Petrie (Mary Tyler Moore) fixation out of the way. Rob Petrie might be the biggest cuckold in TV history. Everybody was after his hot wife. Here is a list of real episodes where my filthy early post-pubescent mind wrote in scenes of my all-time favorite TV MILF being raped or abused:

Laura gets hit on by a drunk in a bar. Rob intercedes, but gets decked, leaving Laura to fend off the grabby drunk herself. In my script, the drunk at the very least got some good gropes in.

Laura gets her toe stuck in a hotel bathtub spout. Cops, hotel employees, and a plumber end up seeing Laura stuck in the tub. In my script, the plumber in particular would have gotten in a few extra peeks and feels.

Rob and Laura are held up by a robber in an elevator. Laura was pregnant, but that didn’t stop me from fantasizing the robber raping her in the elevator in front of her helpless husband.

Rob and Laura and the rest of the cast put on a show in a prison. In my script, I imagined Laura getting separated in the prison and becoming a group of con’s plaything. Or, the prisoners watch Laura dance in the show and go nuts and riot and gang rape her and make her give private nude dances.

Laura, a former dancer, is asked to fill in for an injured dancer for a week. She is wearing her leotards in Rob’s office when a delivery boy enters, and goes nuts, making comments and what I interpreted as a jerking off gesture. Rob tries to cover up Laura and get the boy out of the office. In my script, Laura gets groped and raped in the elevator by the horny kid.

Rob’s boss, producer Mel Coolie, clearly has the hots for Laura. After ogling her at parties, he’s the one that asks her to dance on the show. I didn’t have a fantasy about a specific episode, but I imagine Mel made her reluctantly do dances at all of the parties she attended, and managed to convince Laura that her husband would lose his job if she resisted Mel’s sexual advances.

The star of the “show” within the show is the arrogant Alan Brady (Carl Riener). He is intimidating, and Laura shakes and stammers around him. In at least one episode, possibly more, Laura ends up in Brady’s office, begging for her husband’s job. In my script, a rich demanding prima donna like Brady wouldn’t pass up an opportunity to sexually blackmail his employee’s sexy wife and bang her in his office.

There is an episode where Rob and Laura and Sally and Buddy are spending the night in a “haunted” cabin. It turns out that Mel is secretly filming their every movement through two-way mirrors, for a “candid camera” type of show. So it was clear to me that Laura and Sally were filmed changing and nude and traipsing around in their sleepwear, although it wasn’t explicitly stated in the show. The crew saw Rob’s wife naked, Mel has the film, and Rob and Laura and Buddy know it. That was my interpretation of the actual episode.

Laura has a portrait painted of herself, posing for the painter. But the horny artist paints her naked, and displays the painting in a public forum, where Rob and others see it. And like it. Rob has to negotiate with the dirty artist to get the painting taken down. That was the actual episode. In my rewrite, Laura is forced to negotiate with the dirty artist. In an alternative rewrite, Laura was desperate for money and actually posed nude for the horny artist.

Richard Dawson played a star that is guest starring on the TV show. He ends up drinking at Rob’s house, and hitting on Laura in front of Rob. He dances close with her and snuggles in close, as a mortified Laura throws her head back. In my rewrite, the fun doesn’t end there and Rob, afraid he’ll lose his job if he pisses off the show’s guest star, allows Dawson to have his way with Laura, who first gets in some good feels while dancing and unzipping her dress, and then dances his way into the bedroom with the flustered wife.

No specific episode comes to mind, but Rob and Laura’s neighbor, Jerry Helper, was also their family dentist. I imagine that he managed to give Laura gas during an appointment, and knocked her out long enough to open her clothes and have a grope fest and more.