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Old 11-18-2009, 02:33 PM   #39
cryptic
Trapped by the darkness
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChiTownHoney View Post
You might be right about this. I cant get myself raped where I'm located, at least not the 'way' I want, I think its very safe here, which is why I play with fire..maybe . However, theres been times when I was in Mexico where the guys would try to trick me to go somewhere secluded with them. I mean, you wouldnt believe how many times this happens, not a safe place for women! I always declined, even though it was a perfect situation in my head. Hmmmm....

I think the difference between me and other people is that a person sees a dangerous situation in their head and is turned on. I see a dangerous situation and I'm turned on. You imagine a car following you but would be terrified if it really happens.. If I see a car following me I like it and get disappointed when they turn off on a street
Chi...you and i are so similar when it comes to this sort of thing.
At about 16, in the months after having been raped for real, I developed a habit of putting on revealing clothing in the middle of the night, sneaking out of my parent's house and just wandering the deserted streets aimlessly, hoping, scared.
I remember feeling desperately alone and unhappy one night, and after my friends had gone to bed, snuck out of their house and wandered over to the nearby bridge, sat on the railing, placing myself conspicuously under a steetlight which was right at the edge of an unlit park. I looked down at all the cars passing by, writing in my diary for hours.
I remember writing,
"Save me or rape me. I don't care which."
The desire for rape was like a desire for suicide, without actually having to die.
And even though rape would have meant hatred and violence, it would also have been human contact...I was just so emotionally scarred that I hated gentle human contact...it had to hurt....I wanted to reach out, and the thought of getting raped was the only option that seemed satisfying.

Luckily nobody ever did hurt me (at least, not during my midnight walks when I was actually looking for trouble...only when I was genuinely not expecting/wanting any trouble...but that's another story).

I still get the urge to do stupid things.
Recently I got an email from a guy who said he was "into rape fantasies, but wanted to meet the kind of girl who wouldn't report him if he raped her for real".
This guy set some serious alarm bells off in my head, funnily enough.
And a part of me is still tempted to go and meet him, because he seems dangerous for real.
But I won't.
Rape causes unbearable guilt and shame even under normal circumstances....if I had to live with myself in the knowledge that I had intentionally orchestrated my own rape, the sexual guilt and self-loathing would be so intense that I'm not sure I'd survive.

Seriously, Chi, I know what you mean...the threat of real danger is an incredible aphrodisiac, like nothing else...
But living with the trauma of rape is just as painful for us pervs as it is for other women ....more so in some ways, because we have that extra feeling of guilt (however undeserved it might be).

So as tempting as it is to put myself in harm's way, I have outgrown that impulsiveness...because ultimately, I want to become stronger, to survive, to come to terms with these dark desires and learn to be strong enough that I can enjoy them in a safe setting with someone who understands these needs.
(And trust me, these people do exist. They are few and far between...but there are men who understand that for some of us, it's a lot less to do with "kinky bedroom stuff" and a lot more to do with an obsession, a constant mentality. There are men who think the same way, on the opposite side of the equation. And I'm not talking about actual rapists. I mean guys who respect women, but also respect that some women need to be used and abused and treated like fucktoys. It's much healthier to search for these rare types than to seek out cheap thrills which, in the long run, will only add to the problem).
__________________
"I don't know what you've done to me
But I know this much is true
I want to do bad things with you..."

- True Blood themesong


"So hungry
For the one understanding
Looking for a token
Of blood or tenderness..."
- Suzanne Vega

Anal rapists are fucking assholes.

Last edited by cryptic; 11-18-2009 at 02:44 PM.
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