This is probably going to be a long message but it's been a long time since I talked about some of this stuff and it's probably good to get it out in the open again.
First and foremost, I am afflicted with a condition known as DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder, more commonly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. I am actually not the host alter (her name is Kaz) but the main 'sexual' alter. DID is most often caused by severe abuse in childhood, abuse that is very well repressed. We're going to therapy soon, who knows what will be uncovered there.
Kaz actually does not engage in any sexual behaviour - she can't, it freaks her out, so that's where I come in, well, me and the other sexual alters.
Kaz had a few experiences that might well have caused her to fear sex. When she was 13 her first boyfriend, who was 16, was very hard pressing to get her to engage in sexual activity, the furthest he got was "second base" but this still caused her to feel very uncomfortable. In fact he pretty much pulled her shirt and bra off her the very first day they were going out despite her resistance.
Her second boyfriend was even worse. At 14 years of age, she was only with him for a week but in that time he tried to guilt her into sleeping with him. He coerced her into putting her hand in his pants, and he did the same to her. He also insulted her for not being shaven. She broke up with this guy pretty quickly.
Third boyfriend worse still. When she was 14 years old, he almost raped her in a park. Concealed behind bushes he pulled off her top, playing with/sucking her breasts etc, put his hand in her pants, got her to do the same, kept pressuring her to go further despite her saying no repeatedly. She eventually managed to convince him to stop.
Finally, she was led into a back street by a complete stranger, who pushed her against a fence, forced his hands into her shirt and bra, kept trying to trip her over (to rape her? who knows?) and kept trying to get into her pants despite her telling him to stop it repeatedly. She eventually convinced this guy to let her go.
Now the aftermath of whatever actually caused our psyche to split into alternate personalities has caused me to be obsessed with rape, real rape. I have cravings to actually be overpowered, raped and abused, in a completely legitimte rape scenario. My/our boyfriend/master knows about this and he has advance orders to rape me properly when I'm out. If I go too long without being raped I get really depressive and craving.
That's pretty much about my story.
Soph xxx
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