I'm sure one day I'll come back and change this or delete it or something, but I may as well get it out there. I'm a classic case of re-victimization so I won't bore you with all the stories, but my upbringing and consequences of that upbringing put me in a lot of situations with some very bad people. One of them became my significant other which put me into even more bad situations with bad people. But the one story I'll share, vaguely, is the last time I was raped.
The man I was with, "the ex," was pretty awful and I finally broke it off with him. He seemed to accept it and asked me if I'd go hang out with him and two of our friends one more time because one of the guys had just gotten out of jail and they were celebrating. I knew the other two guys and figured that would be cool because with more people there, I'd be safe. Plus, I was close with the guy, "the nice one," who got out of jail so I knew he'd have my back.
We went out to a bar and had a good time, but I started feeling a bit odd. People there actually tried to get me to leave with them because they were worried about me, but I blew them off because I was with friends and told them there was nothing to worry about.
We got out to the parking lot and everything seemed to tilt. I told one of the guys, "the perv," I couldn't think and he said he'd take care of me. My ex was driving and the nice one was up front. Next thing I know the perv is shoving his cock down my throat and playing with my breasts. I don't remember really struggling because my mind was turned off. I do remember the ride home was long. He shoved my pants down and played with me and the three started talking about me like I was a product to be tested out. They said I had good breasts, felt tight and all that. I heard them, but it wasn't registering I guess.
Then the perv told the nice one to check out the merchandise and suddenly the nice one was shoving his fingers into me. Then I fought. But the perv had my hair and was shoving himself in my mouth and the ex turned the music up and I couldn't breathe and fight so I stopped fighting as the nice one used his hand to rape me. Sometimes I still don't want to believe he did that, he started it.
We got to the nice one's place and they took me inside. I was so out of it, but the ex and the nice one stayed outside while I tried to sleep inside. But then the perv took my clothes off and I don't know how it all happened, but he was inside of me and I managed to get away to get to the door, but they were out there and told me to get back in. They came in and I was on my knees, begging the nice one to help me. He hugged me and said he couldn't, but he wouldn't hurt me anymore. And he went upstairs and left me with the other two.
They repeatedly raped me and finally decided to stop taking turns. My ex tried to rape my ass while the perv was still inside of me, but I guess I fought them too hard because he didn't get really far. That's when my ex got pissed and shoved into me, alongside the perv. I remember crying and the perv got a conscience and told my ex to wait because he thought I was bleeding. He was right and I was sobbing by then. So they dragged me into the kitchen and told me to lick them clean. I tried, but after awhile I threw up in the kitchen sink.
My ex was mad and decided to watch me and the perv finish up. I thought it was over, but the perv said he wasn't finished. So I laid there and let him rape me and knew the ex would hurt me if I didn't make him believe I was fine and not going to do anything. He'd already pulled out the butcher knife while I was in the kitchen and I knew he was capable of killing me.
So when the perv was done, I laughed. I still hate myself for that, but I know it's why I'm alive. The ex took me home. It was an hour drive. And he'd touch me while we were on our way. I was hurt so bad and I didn't care at that point. I got home and slept for hours. Then I showered. I don't remember how I got them, but my lip was split and I had bite marks and bruises. I know I'd pulled out some of my hair and put it in the car. And I'd reached down to get some of the blood on my fingers and wiped it on the mattress. At that point, I really did think I was going to die and I wanted to leave evidence.
The perv cornered me once since then to demand what I remembered. I said nothing, especially since he had a gun. He's a cop now. I've never seen the nice one again and the ex tried to friend request me and acted like nothing happened. I ignored it.
I told my mom and she yelled at me for letting that happen and my dad told me that I should come to terms with the fact that when they touched me I liked it. He said I was just like him and there was no way a guy could touch me sexually without me getting into it. I decided at that point to not talk about it with them anymore. My friends and now-husband got me through it, though, and today I'm not even close to over it, but I'm working on it.
So that's my story.
|