Originally Posted by asianpussykat
I applaud all the women on here who have told their stories. It is in a way cathardic to be able to share in an environment where people are kind and welcoming.
I was raped at 17. The only Asian in my high school, the nerdy, good student, good girl, I was taken to a party by friends. I knew a lot of the kids there, as I had just graduated, but felt out of place. The "friends" I went with wanted beer in order for them to stay and I wanted to stay, feeling like I finally "belonged" to the in crowd. I found a guy, a senior, who had a case of beer and got a few off of him for the money I had on me. Apparently, this was taken as me being interested, which I was not. The party was on a river in a cabin. I can still hear Jane's Addiction in my head sometimes, as it blared from the cabin. The cabin was set up with the bathrooms being outside, not in an outhouse, but more like a sauna type setting. On my way to the bathroom, I had not been drinking as I was the designated driver and had no interest in anything but the social interaction, the guy I got the beer from grabbed me. He pulled me into the woods about 50 feet from the house and started to pull at my sweatshirt. I tried to fight him off, but he was bigger and stronger. He couldnt get my sweatshirt off, so made himself happy with pushing it up along with my bra. He laughed at me and started to slap my face, pulling my hair and telling me I should be grateful. I was stunned, tried to call out for help, but the sound of the music and the sound from the river basically muted my calls for help. He ripped my jeans down around my knees, tearing the fly and threw me on the ground. To this day when I smell musty mulch I find myself back on that forest floor. He kicked me several times in the stomach knocking the wind out of me before he pulled one leg of my jeans off, taking the shoe with it. I was crying, could taste blood in my mouth and then his weight was on me. He kept talking in my ear how he was doing me a favor, that I was ugly and stupid and no one ever wanted me and would ever want me. Everytime I tried to push up to push him off my back, he'd yank my hair and slam my head into the ground. I could feel rocks and sticks cutting in my stomach, upper thighs and breasts. He rolled me over, pushing my legs apart, yanked and pinched my nipples and then took my virginity. The pain was immense, the shame and guilt even more overwhelming. He kept his face next to mine, telling me how worthless I was, etc. He finally came, inside me and then got up. As he got himself put back together he laughed and thanked me for a good time and then kicked me again and left. During the time he raped me I remember vividly looking up to see my friends driving away, leaving me stranded. I got myself redressed, knowing I was bleeding and my hair had dirt and twigs and leaves stuck in it and lamely hobbled to the cabin to find a ride home. I couldnt find a ride home and was feeling pretty frantic until the guy who had just raped me said he could give me a ride home. That was the last thing I wanted. A two hour car ride with the guy who thought raping me was doing me a favor. But he was my only option as most everyone was staying for the night. The drive home took 4 hours. He would stop along the way, pull over, pull me from the car and rape me or force me to give him head. When he got me home, he came to my side of the car, pulled me out by my hair and deposited me on my front yard. I remember walking inside, still feeling his hands on me, him inside me and hearing all the things he said. I also remember walking down the stairs to my room and having my mom sit at the top of stairs asking me if I had a good time. I couldnt tell her the truth, I wasn't supposed to be at a party. So I told her yes, not turning around. She did ask me the next day why my jeans were in the trash, but didnt notice the blood or the torn zipper. I was black and blue from the waist to my neck but was able to cover any light bruising on my face with makeup.
I told no one for 4 years. When I started having flashbacks and almost beat my then boyfriend to a pulp in my sleep I went to a counselor and was able to talk about it. When I told my parents, my dad asked me what I had been wearing and why I was at a party. They didn't get it, still don't get it.
The only regret I have is that I didn't report it. A few months ago this guy tried to friend me on facebook and that is when I realized that he didn't seem to know that what he did to me was wrong. I live daily with scars on my arms, knees and chest from his attack. But I also know I am a survivor and I am stronger today than I would have thought possible.
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