Quote:
Originally Posted by Reimagined
And I don't know if it makes sense to you, Tanya. But people wonder, why blame yourself?
Thing is, when something happens, you want to find an answer that somehow explains why it happened. Just hearing, "Bad things happen to good people" doesn't help.
Did I have any responsibility in this? What could I have done differently? Could I have been more direct? Maybe I should have said yes...
I know it sounds dumb but, somehow believing it's my fault provides a sense of resolution. Like, at least it's something, rather than staring out into my life trying to rack my brain figuring out why it happened the way it did, and leaving big gaping question mark.
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Kera,
The answer to why it happened is that your boyfriend doesn't have boundaries. Regardless of who he was with, he would have done the same thing. It's not your fault but I know that knowing that intellectually is very different from believing it in your heart.
The damage he did was to steal your confidence and make you question your judgment. I understand why you think that it's your fault since you choose him as your boyfriend. Once you say "no", he has the responsibility to stop. You were clear. He didn't care.
I suggest that you get some counseling. Recovery comes in bursts. Eventually, you will get to the anger and that's not pretty. Keep in mind that recovery is like a pendulum swinging from being the victim to such rage that you could tear someone apart. The good news is that eventually, your emotions will settle somewhere in the middle.
I urge you to speak with a professional. When you call, ask how much experience they have with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and rape.
PM me if you would like to talk.