Quote:
Originally Posted by perusani
Hello
I have a lot of history with rape and rape fantasies which I am sure will come out in different posts. And I don't know why, but I felt compelled to answer this post with my small experiences.
I have deliberately put myself in a position to be raped on several occasions. Twice was when I was younger, in my early 20s and once, recently, about 2 years ago. I can safely say that all 3 times have been down to2 factors - drink and self-destructiveness/depression/guilt.
The first time was actually after I saw another woman raped while I was on an exchange programme. I was shaken up and angry and very very guilty and after an argument with my friend I walked out to where I saw the rape happen. I was willing it inside, I wanted them to do it so they would be caught, so I could say something! Anything! But nothing happened.
The second time was a year or so later after a night out clubbing. It had been a terrible night and I felt very ugly and unwanted and had again argued with friends and stormed out of the club alone. It was in a bad neighbourhood, but I was determined to walk rather than spend money on a cab. After a short while I was followed by 2 boys. I did nothing to avoid them. I just shook inside with anger and fear and drink and self-loathing. They stopped me and asked for a cigarette. I told them I didn't have any. They wanted to know where I was going. I told them to piss off. They closed around me and I really felt vulnerable, but they laughed and spat in my face and walked off. I cried the rest of the way home.
Recently I divorced my husband after a frustrating 6 year relationship. I feel I have lost so much of my life and I am dealing with that in counselling. One thing I haven't told my counsellor is that a month after the divorce I repeated the same thing as before after the night out with friends at a club. This time there was no fight with friends. I deliberately left the club and walked through the black neighbourhood at 3am. No-one approached me and no-one stopped me. I got home to a tired, but well-paid babysitter completely and utterly soaked to the skin. Because of the rain. It really wasn't a sensible thing to do and I regret it now. But at the time, more than anything I was shouting inside "come on! if you want to you bastards! do it now you fuckers!"
I am getting counselling, but I know for a fact that I shouldn't be here. And yet I am. Because I choose to.
I hope that answers your question (sorry if I am a little "jaded").
Rebecca
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Hi
Welcome to the board - sorry to hear what you've been through.
Remember, though, your presence here doesn't need to be self-destructive. It can also be a safe place to figure out your fantasies.
Just be careful of the perverts and the depraved ones....wait, that's all of us.
