[auburness]

Loved this read too! I also feel my persona screams " PLEASE RAPE ME, PLEASE..." I have been a 'victim' MANY times, and I've often wondered how many were subconsciously staged, knowing what the outcome would be. As a toddler (2-3ish), I couldn't't help my foster brother (18) molesting me, that was insane. Police looked for him for years, but he ran off and was never heard from. My stepbrother molested me from 3-8, which I couldn't really help, nor did I enjoy. I haven't seen him since.

I was gang raped multiple times by my best friends, older sisters friends, on and off from 11-13. I kept going back to hang out with my bff, knowing I was taking a risk of her not being there and the guys doing what they wanted, and it slowly progressed from them playfully teasing and poking fun at me, to eventually full on gang raping me in a pack. I found it horrible and painful and was very shy and withdrawn as a kid.

I had started masturbating and fantasizing when I was 5, but these REAL attacks were nothing like the fantasies I had envisioned. As I got older, my fantasies got a little darker, a little more twisted, and I started getting turned on by rape scenes. I remember sitting next to my family, watching American History X, when I was 13 and had to excuse myself to get a new pair of panties because I couldn't control my inner feelings.

My freshman year, my mom forgot to pick me up from school (half day) and I had a LONG walk home. My bf's bff at the time offered to walk me home. He had a crush on me, and I just KNEW it was a horrible idea, but did it anyway. He ended up pinning me against a wall, behind some bushes and feeling all over my body before I was able to kick him and run. I reported him, the first time I reported anyone, but nothing ever happened.

At 15 I met a boy I was head over heals for. He was Mormon and wanted to wait until married for sex. I had yet to give myself to anyone, and I wanted to wait too! I was so consumed by this boy. I was a good girl. Shy, quiet, artsy, nearly straight A's. He was HOT, one of the most popular guys in school. I should have known. Guys like that just don't go for girls like me! I snuck him into my room one night, we just talked and made out a little. I snuck him in again another night, assuming thats what we would do again, but he too forced himself upon me. I SHOULD have known right? I've always wondered deep down if I knew. He was TINY, and QUICK, so I also got NO pleasure what so ever from that. Reported him, almost went to trial, but he came from money and the DA told me I didnt stand a chance. Iits actually turned out to be something I still struggle with, even 13yrs later. Found out recently he rapped his wife for 10yrs before she left him. She contacted me to tell me everything he's done, and is still doing. Like recently he raped a girl, got her pregnant, and then raped her when he went to "talk" to her about the baby one day. I couldn't even imagine what that would be like.

Annnway, after him I was held at gunpoint, kidnapped, and raped at 17. Walking my dog, at night, stupid me again, was taken at gun point, raped in the back of a car, and as he drove to get on a main street, I jumped out of his car, ran to a house, and called 911. Police, fire, and ambulance came. They took me to the ER, did the rape kit, found out he tossed a condom near where the attack took place, ect. He was never found though.

I was then attacked by an abusive exbf just two months after that (still 17) and although at the time I was terrified as he beat me while he raped me, looking back I can get myself turned on by thinking about what happened. Which makes me feel sick at times. But then again, *I* let him in while my bf wasn't home. I KNEW BETTER! So, maybe subconsciously?

After him it was a few years. I wasn't raped again until I was 22. I worked at a gym and went to this personal trainers house alone for a massage. He told me he was a student needing hours, so I offered to help. Looking back, I must have been stupid. I knew this guy had a reputation. He was also HUGE, and ROUGH, and I was always ashamed to admit that he made me cum, and cum HARD when he raped me. He was the only one to ever make me cum. He pinned my face down and entered me from behind. It has now become one of my favorite positions to request my bf to fuck me in. I love doggy, but something inside me changes when I ask him to push me flat into the mattress and hold me down by the back of my neck, or pinning my hands, ect. Not that when it happened I enjoyed it. In fact, I reported him too, but the cop was a BITCH, and I never went back to finish my report and the case was dropped.

Things have been pretty quiet since then. I toy around with the idea of having my bf do horrible things to me with a safe word, but knowing my past its a little weird for him. He isn't naturally a violent person and he fears it will "mess me up" if we played like that. Pooey. I've looked around at random Craigslist ads for RP, but would never actually meet up with anyone. I'm not looking to get killed. It just would have been nice to meet someone who is as kinky as I am when it comes to RP. Anyway, I've never knowingly set up my own rape, but I've wondered many times if I've done it subconsciously.

...Now please excuse me while I go rub one out, geez...