As a fan of chikan and Asian girls, I liked the basic story very much, but would've like to have seen it fleshed out more. It could have used more description of the characters, the environment and surroundings, and a lot more description of the action, what the characters were feeling at different points, what they were thinking, etc.
Also, you should generally try to avoid writing in first-person point of view: "I did this. I did that. Then I did some other damn thing." It kind of prevents the reader from being pulled into the story and identifying with any of the characters. You very rarely see fiction written this way for that reason.
It's far better to write as third-person omniscient. "He did this. Then she did that. Next he did something else to her." Basically, tell the story as if you were a fly on the wall describing everything the fly sees. And naturally the fly is psychic and knows not only what each character says, but what they're thinking and feeling. From the third-person point of view you can describe everything from any character's point of view. The third-person is always just a narrator, never a character. I noticed that you pretty much wrote your previous story this way, so try to do more of that.
Finally, try not to write in present tense. Most fiction is generally written in past tense.
You clearly have some talent. I encourage you to keep writing. You just need to polish up the mechanics of the story-telling.
